Citizens Neutralized, Dictator Kerver Takes Power

It turns out that Carver Kerver's plans were very different from what we originally thought they were. He has been waiting patiently in the woods for a very long time for the perfect opportunity to take power.

Gordon Gordon finally perfected a device that will allow Dictator Kerver to speak real English, and it turns out that Kerver is actually a genius in most subjects (except for palm trees and soap making).

Kerver used the current Klop Froth outbreak to his advantage by offering a free vaccine to any citizens of Ghumada (and also Big Bob, who surprisingly did not show up). However, what the citizens didn't know was that there was no outbreak, he made it all up! Furthermore, the vaccine wasn't a vaccine, it was a special blend of chemicals created by Gordon Gordon. It was believed to contain several common substances such as nitrous oxide, diacetylmorphine, methylenedioxymethamphetamine, and candle wax. Citizens are now required to inject this special blend twice a day, and they don't seem to mind too much. This has caused the riots to settle down at least 100%, except for Crunchy Ken, who was exiled to the Land of Misery to dig drainage pipes for the rest of eternity. The Land of Misery now contains a total of 4,000,000 drainage pipes, although that is just an estimate because no one really wants to count drainage pipes in the Land of Misery.

Pope Frosty Antelope Supreme Dong VIIIIIIIVIIIIIIIXX will remain a religious consultant for now, although he has no influence when it comes to political decisions anymore.

Dictator Kerver's revised higharchy chart 

There is still no sign of President Jaquan.

6 Slices Disturbing Scandal Revealed!

We all know of the strange presidential candidate 6 Slices who appears to be some kind of mushroom alien, but today we find out that there is much more to this potato chip man gone wrong than we originally thought! Frig Pops, while "investigating" some suspicious rumors involving some coconuts and a large butter knife, happened to stumble upon an illegal mound of yolks right in the middle of the street. Frig Pops, wanting to do the right thing, immediately took out his yolk-scraper and began to clean the mess. Upon doing so, 6 Slices fell right out of the sky and began to do a strange dance right in front of Frig Pops! But that's not even the end of it, after the strange dance was over, 6 Slices took out a large wooden fork and began to scoop yolk right out of Frig Pop's mouth!

As you can see, 6 Slices is a disgrace to this world! In addition to this unbelievable act of embezzlement, lead tech advisor Paul managed to hack into 6 Slice's computer and uncover these disturbing emails!

It is clear that we cannot have this abomination as the president of our (kind of) great country!We must destroy 6 Slices and his family of 3 loaves of bread for good! Bring your toasters and other assorted bread torture devices and display your toasters! Also don't forget to read 6 Slices' candidate profile. And well you're there, you can read about the other candidates right on the same page so you can decide who you're going t vote for instead of 6 Slices!

In other news, Carver Kerver has chosen Gordon Gordon as his official vice president. Gordon Gordon has been conducting some secret "tests" on Carver Kerver. We are learning a lot more about the mysterious deer man. Hen was apparently the offspring of a secret government project that involved cross breeding between different species. Gordon Gordon has also apparently created a device that allows Carver Kerver to communicate through regular human speech. However, he can't figure out how to get the device to stop translating into Russian, so we still have no idea what he's saying.

Citizens Protest Over Government, Demand Election for New President

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The citizens are at it again. They have finally discovered how to form half a thought, and they finally realized how terrible their government is. The government is so bad that it's actually illegal. What kind of government makes itself illegal? And if that wasn't enough proof just look at the official government headquarters:

It's for none of these reasons that the citizens of Ghumada have decided to unite towards a common goal of reforming their government. Actually, they just want to make Crunchy Ken their new president, as he promised them free salad buffets every Thursday. No one in Ghumada has ever eaten salad, but they thought it sounded kind of cool so they went with it.

The protests have been going on for a total of 4-5 hours, with 30 minute breaks every 10 minutes. The protesting consists of every citizen trying to start a different chant, so there isn't really a main message to be taken away from all the chaos. Also, Special Tim decided to show up wearing his grapefruit costume.

President Jaquan, the current president of Ghumada, is reportedly still on his annual 11 month vacation in the Land of Lard so he hasn't heard the news yet, but his trusted assistant Political Paul agreed to sit down with us for like 5 minutes. Here is what he had to say:
"If this is about the time I got my head stuck in a watermelon for 6 weeks I don't have anything to say."

Pope Guadalupe, who has recently had his name changed to Frosty Antelope Supreme Junior, claims he has nothing to worry about because he has full immunity as leader of the second branch due to article 355B of the Ghumada Constitution. There are some doubts about this though, as the constitution was destroyed when Gladiator Jim accidentally used it as a mask in the War of 3:55 PM yesterday.

Gladiator Jim

The presidential erections (correction- elections) will reportedly last for approximately 6 months in order to ensure fair results. Anyone is eligible to run as long as they are alive. This may be an issue for Gary the Ghost as he is not alive.

Gary the Ghost

Gladiator Jim has claimed that he wants to run but he probably won't win because he destroyed the constitution. He claims that if elected, he will ensure all citizens have a fair right to collect arms. This will be his primary concern when drafting the new constitution.

Make sure you cast your vote for the primary elections. There will be several phases of election including the primary, secondary, first-ary, and finals. Different candidates will have to make it through one of the primary elections before moving on to the final elections. Candidate information will be published as elections occur.

Exclusive Interview With O'Glascoe P'Dascoe!

We are very excited to announce that we conducted a special interview with O'Glascoe P'Dascoe! This is the first known public interview with the well known literature expert. Unfortunately, O'Glascoe P'Dascoe failed to show up so there was no interview. Instead, we decided to interview this very educated walnut looking thing.

We quickly discovered that this strange cat was not who it claimed to be as it began attacking several members of our crew. We quickly pulled the emergency self destruct switch in a desperate attempt to save humanity. Unfortunately, there was a recall on this model of self destruct switch by Gordon Gordon Inc, and the switch did not work. After several minutes of widespread panic, we discovered that the strange creature had disappeared. Our strange walnut-looking creature expert Parson Jopkins is currently looking into this bizarre case more closely.

Meanwhile, a local trouble-maker known in the streets by the name "Scuff" walked in to our headquarters (which is pretty much just a little shack on the side of the road) thinking that it was a turtle salon. Surprisingly, this was not the first time this has happened so we kindly directed Scuff to the turtle salon across the street. What we didn't know was that this was actually a very offensive threat in hooligan-slang (2nd official language in Ghumada [Even though there is no official language in Ghumada]) So, Scuff returned exactly 45 seconds later* with his delinquent friends Buff, Puff, Enuff, and Johnny looking to make some mischief. They stood there in silence as the entire building stared at them in complete horror. After about 26 minutes** the thugs decided they would just knock over Secretary Janice's cup of rubber nuggets and run out the door. Thankfully, no one was hurt in this terrifying endeavor, although Secretary Janice was pretty shaken up that her rubber nuggets got spilled all over the floor. Ghumada News is providing free psychiatric evaluations for all the victims of this terrible act of violence, which is being called the "most terrifying act of cruelty since Mike shook up all the napkin holders last Thurday" by several different witnesses***.

Real picture of Scuff.  The rest of his gang looks exactly like him, except Johnny, he looks more like a retarded helicopter walrus mixed with a moldy fence post.

Also in the news, local inventor and apprentice of Gordon Gordon, Orkle Albana, has announced that he is going to be holding a large vacuum cleaner auction in the Topiary Dairy Memorial Garden this Sunday from 2:30 am to 2:32 am. In other news, Topiary Dairy is asked to take several weeks off of his job as lead police officer after questioning the reasoning behind the naming of the "Topiary Dairy Memorial Gardens", as he is clearly not dead or in need of memorial. Psychiatric evaluist Trisa Tranquil has suggested that Topiary Dairy is going through a severe grieving process due to his recent death, as can be expected for someone in his position.

Topiary Dairy in action on a typical busy workday. 

*This statistic provided by official time-keeper Bigol Tick, who times everything that happens and writes it all down on a piece of old paper plate

**This statistic is a very rough estimate, as Bigol Tick was taking a break to fix a leak in the floor

***Actually no witnesses

Startling Statistics Involving Computer Genetics

According to recent studies conducted by Ghumadian statistical expert Professor Klarke Jingles, the average lifespan of Ghumadian citizens is approximately 32 years. This study was based off of a 15 minute study consisting of one participant.

Lead scientist Gordon Gordon has agreed to share a copy of the report with us:

It is clear from these frightening records that Big Burt is a very average Ghumadan citizen. According to his health records, which were provided by an anonymous nurse working at the Ghumada National Hospital, Big Burt was extremely obese, at a weight of 455 pounds, and diagnosed with type 4.5 diabetes.  He has been staying in the hospital for about 4 years due to his “illness” (actually, he just liked the free food because Ghumada law states that all hospital care is free no matter how long the stay)

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BREAKING NEWS:

Gordhongian President Dr. Martinez has been spotted placing strategic steamy asparagus all over downtown Ghumada! Found at Jimmy Billy’s Big Bass Nail Clipping Salon, eyewitness ‘Large Burt’ is quoted as saying “Good Guatemalan Guacamole Guatemalan Guatemala..” We don’t really think that what Large Burt said is relevant in any way, but what is important is that Large Burt is alive, but Big Burt is dead. Also, Dr. Martinez, who isn’t actually a doctor, has reportedly fled to a nearby sip club to sample some exotic juices and bodily fluids. Dr. Martinez is believed to be planning an all out attack on Ghumada, but he lacks all resources and funds to take action any time soon.

Dr. Martinez caught placing suspicous asparagus throughout dowtown Ghumada.

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We had a feeling that there was more to this story, so we decided to question Big Bob, Big Burt’s cousin and brother.

Luckily, despite being a mere 898 years old, Big Bob was able to bring some clarity to the situation:

“HURHGAGHAGHGAGHGAGJK HUNJF”

But we still felt there was some missing information regarding the death of 32 year old Big Burt, and it appeared as if Big Bob was still a little surprised to hear of his family member’s death, so we left him alone to collect his thoughts for about 3 minutes. Then we strapped him to a small bush so he could not possibly escape. However, after an insignificant struggle, Big Bob fled into the river and was not seen again.

Lead Ghumadian health advisor. . . well, it appears there is no health advisor. . .

Lead Ghumadian Statistical expert estimates that approximately 100% of the population in Ghumada is overly obese, according to his poll conducted the same night the lifespan survey was conducted. This statistic is likely due to the unhealthy diet consisting of pork grinds. It is believed that if other foods, such as Bark Beans, were made legal, then the obesity problem would be solved. However, President Jaquan’s wife, Patricia Marmon, stands strong in her belief to support the pork grind farmers by banning all other foods.

Authentic can of Pork Grinds.

The health crisis in Ghumada is a serious issue that needs to be addressed. However, it probably won’t because Pope Guadalupe is too busy gluing together his newly revised manuscript, entitled, “Ancient Guadalupe: Ghuddism Anecdotes”.

Ghumada's Hidden Treasure

Recently, several concerned citizens have been inquiring about a (theoretical) secret organization of Ghumada Elites known as the Slimy Barbarians. Citizens have been concerned that this organization has been conducting illegal schemes involving the coal mines.

At the last Ghumada council meeting, which took place on Pope Guadalupe’s porch because there are no council meetings, a concerned citizen only known as “Big Bob” listed his concerns in this unorganized spreadsheet.

Slimy Barbarians

By Bob

1. The pork grinds are getting more expensive.
2. The oil coming from the coal mines is interfering with my daily job exercises.
3. Pope Guadalupe is covering up the secret cantaloupe blaster designed by Gordon Gordon.

According to a poll consisting of Pope Guadalupe, Big Bob is what you might call a “Mop Molester”. But you might not call him that, and that’s alright too. Either way, he’s pretty dumb. However, he did make some rather startling claims involving Gordon Gordon, who just recently awoke from his 12 month coma, which he claims was “all Orkle Albana’s fault for not taking the roasting antelope out of the microwave”. Here is what Gordon Gordon has to say when questioned about the rumoured “Cantaloupe Blaster”

“Well, I’m not making any promises here but I might have been working on a special little project involving spring loaded Carp-Gilled Bass. Ok fine, I admit it, I created an automatic beef-blower.”

Lead Scientist Gordon Gordon standing in front of the
smoldering ruins of his (former) Science Lab.

Gordon Gordon’s claims seemed rather innocent, so we decided to investigate the new BASSLOG (Big-Ass Super Science Lab of Ghumada). Orkle Albana, who was recently destroyed in the deadly accident at the previous science lab of Gordon Gordon (The ECEGSLOGTGGUTCSE), seemed to be rather busy putting together a progress report for the effects of the Pork Grind shortage. However, Pope Guadalupe threatened to decapitate his entire family if he didn’t talk to us, so that got his attention (even though Orkle Albana was a clone created by Gordon Gordon that has no family). However, at that time, it was his lunch break so he left the lab.

Now, Gordon Gordon is believed to be working on a way to rescue Coal Miner Jo Lopez from the bottom of the endless pit coal mine. Actually, we know for a fact that he is because he told us. But this raises one important question: Why has this accident occured? It probably wasn’t because Jo Lopez fell off of the 2 foot wide circular beam made out of ice that connects one end of the mine to the other. This has many citizens, such as Big Bob, convinced that the secret organization known as the Slimy Barbarians is behind the disaster. But that’s all I can say now because . . . (Loud helicopter/pigeon noises in the background) Oh no! They’ve found me!

(disturbing tentacle noises in the background) No! Please! Stop it!

(You will be banished to the Land of Misery for your crimes!) No! I don’t want to see Uncle Mole!

(Mort Biaster whacked loudly) (Dragging noises)

This is Frig Pops Jr, head of Ghumada National Securtity, and let this be an example to you that illegal news articles on sketchy websites will not be tolerated in Ghumada. Alsom disregard what you may have heard about Mole Ester. He is probably not in the Land of Misery building drainage pipes for the rest of eternity.

(Wait, we’re getting word that he didn’t actually commit any crimes) (Ha! I told you!) (Shut up you filthy rat-neck licker!)

What? you mean we came in here for no reason?

(Yeah, pretty much)

Good Hell! We’ve been deceived!

(Loud slurping noises, sort of like a rhinoceros stepping on a porcupine)

Oh! What a relief, they’ve releases me! This just shows how corrupted the Ghumada security system is, they tried to decapitate me! Well, I should probably go investigate the new rubber-tack they installed on the sidewalk, there has to be some juicy controversy there, right? This is Mort Biaston, signing off. And remember, there’s only three and a half skin-folds in a four-skin mount.

Tragic Accident at the Coal Mine

It was a nice Quatobuary day, until a sudden breath of nitrous oxide trickled into a support beam at the gbmoctsgbawm(Great Big Mine of Coal that Supplies Ghumada's Big Ass War Machine). The beam instantly exploded into a million pork grinds. Such a large explosion immediately collapsed a large section of the mine. We don't know at this time if there are any survivors. Schrum Clocks has really done it this time.

Schrum Clocks, a ghordongan secret agent, was seen leaving the mine. He is suspected of releasing the nitrous oxide which caused the explosion. Authorities are also investigating if Schrum Clocks is responsible for the lack of workers returning from the mine in recent weeks. We found this workers log that shows several workers haven't returned after entering the mine in the early morning hours.

Worker's Log

9-11: Jo Lopez In: 9:01 Out:

1-11: Jo Lopez In: 9:01 Out:

2-11: Jo Lopez In: 9:01 Out:

3-11: Jo Lopez In: 9:01 Out:

4-11: Jo Lopez In: 9:01 Out:

5-11: Jo Lopez In: 9:01 Out:

6-11: Jo Lopez In: 9:01 Out:

9-11: Jo Lopez In: 9:01 Out:

1-11: Jo Lopez In: 9:01 Out:

2-11: Jo Lopez In: 9:01 Out:

3-11: Jo Lopez In: 9:01 Out:

4-11: Jo Lopez In: 9:01 Out:

5-11: Jo Lopez In: 9:01 Out:

6-11: Jo Lopez In: 9:01 Out:

9-11: Jo Lopez In: 9:01 Out:

Based on these startling documents we now know that many workers have not returned after entering the mine in the morning around 9:01. President Jaquan has called an emergency meeting with Pope Guadalupe and and their war supervisor Frig Pops to discuss any alternate energy sources until the mine can be reopened.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Breaking News~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This just in, the authorities have heard a message from the bottom of the mine. It's believed that the only coal miner of Ghumada is trapped at the bottom of the bottomless pit somwhere in the mine. The message tapped in morse code reads "Bliggle used boys when acoustic seasoned the saucy salsa.". Authorities have Ghumada's top literacy mind O'Glasco P'Dasco translating the message as we speak.

Jo Lopez is surviving by eating raw coal, which there happens to be an abundance of in the coal mine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This clearly worries most of the citizens of Ghumada(who aren't currently enslaved). Several concerned citizens wonder how they will defend themselves from Ghordongo's onslaught as the remaining coal runs out.