Life of a Ghumada Factory Employee

1:00 AM in the morning 

Roy Gibson is a typical Ghumada Factory employee. He wakes up at 1:00 AM in the morning already dressed in his factory employee clothes ready to go to his factory job. He tries to carefully roll out of bed to not disturb his wife Rita, who is not a factory employee and does not have to wake up at 1:00 AM in the morning in order to go work in the factory. However, he is unsuccessful as he tries to climb over her instead of just casually rolling off his side of the bed. Roy excitedly runs out the door to begin his long journey to the factory, where he is employed as a factory employee.

Roy in bed with all his bed friends

2:00 AM in the morning

Roy is still walking to work. It is a very long walk (about 30 miles). Roy sometimes wishes he had some sort of machine to help him move faster such as a lawn mower or a cow. His factory employee friend George always ties his cow outside the factory because he rides his cow to work. It must be exciting, having that kind of luxury.

Roy walks to work through the suburbs of Ghumada

3:00 AM

Still walking.

3:25 AM
Roy arrives at his favorite scenic trail on the way to the factory.

5:00 AM

Roy has finally arrived. However, his factory employee job does not begin until around 10:00 AM in the morning so he will have to wait outside for a little bit. Roy has now begun to question why he follows this silly routine. However, questioning his silly routine is a part of his silly routine that he experiences every day so he moves on without any further questions.

The factory where Roy is employed as a factory employee. He is not quite sure what the purpose of the factory is, he just shows up every day because he is paid a very fair 4 cents an hour, which he uses to support his family. 

6:25 AM

Roy's factory employee friend Bobby arrives at this time. He has never actually heard Bobby speak, but he is always the first one to arrive after Roy at precisely 6:25 AM every day. He's not completely positive, but Roy is pretty sure 6:25 has some sort of significance to Bobby like it's his favorite color or something. Bobby just stares at Roy uncomfortably for 4 hours until the factory work begins.

Roy's friend Bobby

8:00 AM

Roy sees a strange figure approaching from the distance. He can tell it is the boss man approaching. The boss man doesn't have any name, he just tells everyone to call him boss man. Even his name tag on his freshly pressed suit just says 'boss man'. Boss man is a strange yet efficient man, which is probably why he is the boss. As the boss man approaches the factory entrance, he notices Roy and suddenly he is extremely angry.
"Roy! My office! Now!" He screams, streams of dirty saliva flying all around everywhere. Bobby just chuckles and scurries off into the forest, running by crawling using his arms and legs like a wild animal. Roy slowly rises to a standing position, his legs shaking uncontrollably. When the boss man is angry, nothing good ever happens. Last time the boss man got angry, Old Lady Greta walked into that office and was never seen again.

The boss man, a strange looking yet efficient man 

8:30 AM

Roy ducks under the low door that leads into the boss man's office. The office is actually just a repurposed cardboard box with smaller cardboard box inside that serves as a desk. Boss man is facing away from Roy, staring out the window, which is actually just a square drawn into the side of the the office with a picture of a bird drawn on a piece of paper.
"Roy, do you understand why I have called you into my cool office?" asks the boss man.
"Not really" replies Roy, for he is as honest as he is dedicated to his factory job.
"Me either, get out" the boss man tells Roy. Roy leaves the office without any further questions.

Boss man's office

9:00 AM

Roy is getting noticeably more excited as the time for the factory work to commence grows ever nearer. The doors to the factory open at precisely 9:01 AM, and he is about to piss his pants with anticipation. He stares eagerly at his watch, which is just a square drawn onto his arm with a marker. He updates it every minute by glancing at the watch on his other wrist that he wears to keep track of the minutes. As the tiny bar spins towards the top of the watch, he holds the marker steady in his other hand to record the changing minute. After several more agonizing seconds, it is finally time to begin the factory work. A rudely loud siren begins to blare for 2 seconds as the time turns to 9:01 AM. This is the signal that the factory is opening now. The tall doors to the factory begin to slide open on their own, with a loud screeching noise accompanying the action as if the doors are in need of a nice lubrication. Roy eagerly darts inside before the doors are even finished opening.

9:02 AM

Roy enters the decontamination room, the place where he must take 3-5 showers before beginning his work so as not to contaminate the delicate products with his bodily wastes. He steps under an unoccupied shower faucet still fully clothed in his factory uniform. He begins to scream nervously as the faucet sprays out scalding hot liquid that jets out more steam than actual water.  It usually takes him around 2-3 hours to complete this process, but today he is especially eager to begin his work so it only takes him 4 hours. By the time he is done, his skin is red and blistering, but he is enthusiastic about beginning his important factory job.

1:00 PM
It is finally time to begin the factory work. Roy proudly steps out of the decontamination room and into the large open warehouse where the work is done. There is nothing in the expansive space except for a small wooden table in the very center of the room, beneath a small flashing light bulb that swings back and forth on the long cord it is attached to on the cathedral like ceiling. Roy begins to realize with horror that this is not the factory he works at. This is some kind of trick. He quickly turns around and runs back the way that he came from, all the way out the large doors until he is outside again. He keeps running all the way back to his simple apartment, where he can finally spend some time with his family after another tough day at work.

The Mystery of the Expanisve Grass Field

The Ghumada wilderness is one of the most unrelenting and dangerous places in existence. Beyond the safety of the walls which enclose the 3  actualcities in Ghumada, one will face extremely dangerous environments including sections of desert, Arctic tundra just to the north of the desert, and beyond that one will have to face the truly unstoppable forces of the Ghumada Jungle. 

No one has ever explored the Ghumada Jungle and returned in one piece. One time, legendary explorer Human Hoffman managed to reach the city after a thorough exploration, however he was reportedly carrying at least 4 severed body parts (we do not have full details on which body parts). All the information that we know of the Ghumada Jungle was the verbal account of Human Hoffman on his death bed, because for some reason he didn't think to  keep a journal or something to record his findings. 

The extent of Hoffman's injuries were so severe that not even the top Ghumada surgeon knew what to do. He only had around 7 minutes to recount the tales of his experience in the Ghumada Jungle. In this time, he tells the tale of an amazingly beautiful land hidden within the relentless jungles. He claims that in this land there is no violence, war, or unhappy feelings. Apparently there are not even any buildings or sidewalks. Instead, there are thriving fields of grass for as far as it is possible to see. The people that inhabit this land are reportedly simple, kind, and carefree. 

As one could expect, this theory has been the root of much speculation and debate among top Ghumada theorists. Here's what top Ghumada theorist Kwola Frankton had to say about the rumored mythical land:

"I do not believe in many things. This thing would be included because as far as I have seen, I have not seen it."

Kwola Frankton

In order to settle this debate once and for all, the Ghumada government has decided to partner with Ghumada News to launch a full expedition into the Ghumada wilderness. The best living explorers in Ghumada are being drafted to be a part of an elite exploration team. There is also an explorer who does not live in Ghumada but we are including him anyway. Most of the government's funds are being invested into this exploration. This is somewhat strange considering all the cities in Ghumada are experiencing a shortage of all materials including food, water, and furniture polish. However, the board has agreed that this takes priority because they are "bored of doing all the same stuff all the time". 

Threatening Conspiracy Halts Government Function

An exciting development involving the newly formed Ghumada Government has citizens lined up in hordes in front a tiny soup kitchen this morning. They might not know about the development but that's ok. It appears as the government's activities have been suspended  due to unforeseen circumstances gathered from intel stationed on the Ghumada and Gordhongo border.

Agent Bread woke the entire Ghumada informer panel at approximately 3:05 this morning in a single urgent screech from across the river. He yelled into the 16th story window, desperately attempting to inform the panel of something important. After being asked to repeat his statement 14 times, he finally gave up and proceeded to jump into the river, where it has been rumored that some suspicious monsters enjoy to roam, usually on Wednesdays.

Agent Bread

For obvoius reasons, this chilled the very souls of the Ghumada informant panel. For this reason, they decided to abandon all of their positions. They inverbally and unanimously decided to simultaneously make a sly escape through the thin shatter proof glass windows (from the 16th floor). Luckily, the head member of the panel, Wingslow Jopman, had prepared for this very event the night before by installing some sketchy waterslides outside the window of the 16th floor. Unfortunately, he ordered the wrong size from the ancient water slide company and ended up with water slides that only reached down to the 5th floor. This created a slightly suspected surprise for the panel members.

In their haste of leaving, it was later discovered that the panel members left behind a single shriveled up corpse in the head seat of the panel discussion table. A crude note, appearing to have been written in a hurry due to the fact that it was written on a rotting black banana peel, left vague instructions for whoever discovered the shriveled up corpse, that this shriveled up corpse is now the new leader of Ghumada due to the fact that the entire panel had abandoned their positions. They also left a scribble carved into the discussion table that they were heading to the south sea and swimming for land. This may be a problem as the closest land in the south sea is a small volcanic rock floating 3000 miles east.

Ghumada Informant Panel group photo 1933

This would not be a problem, however Steward Corkle purchased the floating volcanic rock back in 55 when the earthquakes started, and now inhabits it, spending his days crouched under a tiny damaged umbrella. The dilemma of nowhere to rendezvous at has left the members of the panel with nowhere to go. The 9 and a half panel members (one guy lost his legs in a tragic fall on the way out of the building) can now be seen helplessly drifting in freezing monster ridden waters. We could go help them if we wanted to however it was voted against in a committee meeting in a score of 1-9. Also we don't really feel like leaving. At this time we still have no intel as to the exact reasoning of Agent Bread's urgent message. 

Death of a Gardener

He was on a mad rampage again, the fourth time in the last 30 minutes. He was just trying to clean the microwave, but nobody told him you were supposed to unplug it before putting it in the sink. These are the kind of things he wish his father had told him years before, although his father had written in bold lettering telling him to to do exactly that.

His name was Gary. His house consisted of several couches, all pushed neatly against each other in a way that you couldn't actually get in them to sit down. He also had a small portion of the corner dedicated to the kitchen, and next to that the bathroom. It wasn't often that he cleaned, mostly because he was too busy working in his lab.

Gary's house

The "lab" was actually a stove pushed into a closet. The stove wasn't even plugged in. A large cloud of moldy dust emerged from the closet as Gary opened it, using some effort as he pushed 46 copies of last June's newspaper out of the way on the floor in front of the closet. The newspaper's headline read "Local Man Receives Recognition for Wearing Jacket". It didn't have anything to do with Gary, but he thought he needed 46 copies for some reason.

Gary was now becoming increasingly angry for some reason. He decided to take a walk through the street, but not before he did a bit of much needed remodeling. His uncle never really taught him any remodeling, but he read up a bit in the library for a few minutes one time. That was back when he was just a boy, and the governor hadn't banned him from all the state buildings yet. The only tool he had was a large wooden mallet (missing the handle, so basically just a heavy chunk of wood) so he threw it through the thin front door, successfully turning it into a satisfying splintery mess. Gary proudly stepped through his newly replaced door, which closely resembled a large smoldering hole in place of the door.

He stepped out into the street. Children ran frantically to their mothers, and the fathers glared at him with the ferocity of several dying feral cats. Gary was used to this. He didn't quite understand the concept of clothing at the time. He much preferred the sensation of warm iguana milk, so he headed towards the morgue, which was a 55 hour stroll to the island paradise of Borgleton.

After many painful lengths of walking on land that shredded the skin off of his bare feet, Gary was glad to wade into the warm ocean water. He had a vague idea of where he was going, as his grandfather passed down a mysterious legend to him while he was on his death bed. The doctor said he was hallucinating from the pain medicine after the brain surgery, but Gary didn't buy into all that rubbish. His grandfather's exact words were "Right at the Moon, left in the floating Borgle Platoon". It might've been the other way around, but that probably wasn't important. He began his long journey.

Gary walks

It didn't last very long though, because Gary thought he saw a man pour some fruit juice into the water, and Gary might have had a severe allergy to fruit juice. He didn't know this for sure, which is why he decided to visit the local clock store to find out. Quite unsurprisingly, he found little more than a broken stopwatch, which was the last piece of merchandise the strange man at the clock store had left. Gary left 3 dimes on the man's desk as payment, because he was sleeping. Gary went to shake the man's hand, as is customary to settle any deal, but the man's arm suspiciously fell off and turned to dust as Gary touched it.

Gary visits the clock store

For some reason Gary wanted to sing. He didn't know any songs. But he knew a man who might. They called him Old Jim. He hadn't seen Old Jim since the big exorcism of 79 incident. He was pretty sure he was dead. But Gary decided that he needed to find Old Jim. He found a large phone-book looking book; it might or might not have been a phone book. Under the "G" section he spotted Old Jim.

Gary finds a phonebook

After a 15 minute ride in his friend Dennis's homemade hang-glider made out of tissue paper and shoe string, Gary finally made it to Old Jim's house. Old Jim was not excited to see Gary. "You're that damn pesterd that wrecked my orange cob!" Gary wasn't very educated in elder slang, but he was pretty sure this was some kind of friendly greeting. It wasn't. Old Jim got out his slingshot and fired a large chunk of decaying matter at Gary. Gary didn't even have time to scream before he hit the ground and died instantly. It was about 4 hours of loud screaming later that Gary finally took his final breath.

Gary will never forget how Old Jim betrayed him. Also he remembered about the time his great Uncle Ragtie threw a big hunk of slime at him when he was a boy. It is for these reasons that Gary now roams the lands of Ghumada as a disembodied entity, spending his days stealing barbeque and strike anywhere matches.

Gary the Ghost

Desecrating Control Scheme in Effect During Not-a-War

It's no secret that there is no war going on. Ghumada is currently the poorest country anywhere, according to a list compiled by statistical expert Klarke Jingles which consisted of only Ghumada and no other countries. Dictator Kerver has issued a doctrine which required all currency to be destroyed by means of dirty scalpel. However, Ghumada never had any currency in the first place, therefore making it difficult to destroy the nonexistent currency. It is for this reason that Dictator Kerver imported over 3 trillion cents of miscellaneous currency for the purpose of being destroyed.

Unfortunately, the fire (fueled by several tons of a potent mixture of gasoline and liquid uranium) somehow got out of control (no thanks to the Ghumada fire department that disbanded seven years ago after "the ice cream truck incident"). The fire spread to first spread to Old Bob's house (who still refuses to come out, despite the fact that he is sitting in a pile of smoldering embers) and then spontaneously wiped out the entire city. 

Dictator Kerver celebrating the ceremonial destruction of all currency, actually the whole city 

Old Bob, a proud Ghumadan citizen, refuses to leave his property even after his house has been reduced to a pile of smoldering embers. He will likely die of cancer in the next 6 hours due to the dangerous radiation levels.

Luckily, a motorcyclist was there to save the day (kind of). He showed up about 7 hours after the fires started, but he brought a few buckets. Unfortunately, there wasn't any nearby water supplies so he couldn't use the buckets. He tried to escape but he ran over some rusty nails and the tires on his motorcycle were destroyed, leaving him helpless in the middle of the road. He is probably still there.

Small Jim, while going for his morning walk, noticed something very strange. He is not very observant, so he didn't notice that the entire city was burned down. He wanted to buy a snack from the strange man on the corner, but he noticed that he wasn't in his usual spot. Small Jim's favorite snack was the orange liquid that you eat with a needle. Disappointed, Small Jim took a speedy stroll down to the lake (about a 3 day walk) so he could look for some mushrooms. However, he remembered when he got there that the mushrooms didn't grow by the lake, they grow by the river. So, he spent another week walking speedily to the river, where he found one tiny mushroom.  

Citizens Neutralized, Dictator Kerver Takes Power

It turns out that Carver Kerver's plans were very different from what we originally thought they were. He has been waiting patiently in the woods for a very long time for the perfect opportunity to take power.

Gordon Gordon finally perfected a device that will allow Dictator Kerver to speak real English, and it turns out that Kerver is actually a genius in most subjects (except for palm trees and soap making).

Kerver used the current Klop Froth outbreak to his advantage by offering a free vaccine to any citizens of Ghumada (and also Big Bob, who surprisingly did not show up). However, what the citizens didn't know was that there was no outbreak, he made it all up! Furthermore, the vaccine wasn't a vaccine, it was a special blend of chemicals created by Gordon Gordon. It was believed to contain several common substances such as nitrous oxide, diacetylmorphine, methylenedioxymethamphetamine, and candle wax. Citizens are now required to inject this special blend twice a day, and they don't seem to mind too much. This has caused the riots to settle down at least 100%, except for Crunchy Ken, who was exiled to the Land of Misery to dig drainage pipes for the rest of eternity. The Land of Misery now contains a total of 4,000,000 drainage pipes, although that is just an estimate because no one really wants to count drainage pipes in the Land of Misery.

Pope Frosty Antelope Supreme Dong VIIIIIIIVIIIIIIIXX will remain a religious consultant for now, although he has no influence when it comes to political decisions anymore.

Dictator Kerver's revised higharchy chart 

There is still no sign of President Jaquan.

6 Slices Disturbing Scandal Revealed!

We all know of the strange presidential candidate 6 Slices who appears to be some kind of mushroom alien, but today we find out that there is much more to this potato chip man gone wrong than we originally thought! Frig Pops, while "investigating" some suspicious rumors involving some coconuts and a large butter knife, happened to stumble upon an illegal mound of yolks right in the middle of the street. Frig Pops, wanting to do the right thing, immediately took out his yolk-scraper and began to clean the mess. Upon doing so, 6 Slices fell right out of the sky and began to do a strange dance right in front of Frig Pops! But that's not even the end of it, after the strange dance was over, 6 Slices took out a large wooden fork and began to scoop yolk right out of Frig Pop's mouth!

As you can see, 6 Slices is a disgrace to this world! In addition to this unbelievable act of embezzlement, lead tech advisor Paul managed to hack into 6 Slice's computer and uncover these disturbing emails!

It is clear that we cannot have this abomination as the president of our (kind of) great country!We must destroy 6 Slices and his family of 3 loaves of bread for good! Bring your toasters and other assorted bread torture devices and display your toasters! Also don't forget to read 6 Slices' candidate profile. And well you're there, you can read about the other candidates right on the same page so you can decide who you're going t vote for instead of 6 Slices!

In other news, Carver Kerver has chosen Gordon Gordon as his official vice president. Gordon Gordon has been conducting some secret "tests" on Carver Kerver. We are learning a lot more about the mysterious deer man. Hen was apparently the offspring of a secret government project that involved cross breeding between different species. Gordon Gordon has also apparently created a device that allows Carver Kerver to communicate through regular human speech. However, he can't figure out how to get the device to stop translating into Russian, so we still have no idea what he's saying.

Startling Statistics Involving Computer Genetics

According to recent studies conducted by Ghumadian statistical expert Professor Klarke Jingles, the average lifespan of Ghumadian citizens is approximately 32 years. This study was based off of a 15 minute study consisting of one participant.

Lead scientist Gordon Gordon has agreed to share a copy of the report with us:

It is clear from these frightening records that Big Burt is a very average Ghumadan citizen. According to his health records, which were provided by an anonymous nurse working at the Ghumada National Hospital, Big Burt was extremely obese, at a weight of 455 pounds, and diagnosed with type 4.5 diabetes.  He has been staying in the hospital for about 4 years due to his “illness” (actually, he just liked the free food because Ghumada law states that all hospital care is free no matter how long the stay)

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BREAKING NEWS:

Gordhongian President Dr. Martinez has been spotted placing strategic steamy asparagus all over downtown Ghumada! Found at Jimmy Billy’s Big Bass Nail Clipping Salon, eyewitness ‘Large Burt’ is quoted as saying “Good Guatemalan Guacamole Guatemalan Guatemala..” We don’t really think that what Large Burt said is relevant in any way, but what is important is that Large Burt is alive, but Big Burt is dead. Also, Dr. Martinez, who isn’t actually a doctor, has reportedly fled to a nearby sip club to sample some exotic juices and bodily fluids. Dr. Martinez is believed to be planning an all out attack on Ghumada, but he lacks all resources and funds to take action any time soon.

Dr. Martinez caught placing suspicous asparagus throughout dowtown Ghumada.

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We had a feeling that there was more to this story, so we decided to question Big Bob, Big Burt’s cousin and brother.

Luckily, despite being a mere 898 years old, Big Bob was able to bring some clarity to the situation:

“HURHGAGHAGHGAGHGAGJK HUNJF”

But we still felt there was some missing information regarding the death of 32 year old Big Burt, and it appeared as if Big Bob was still a little surprised to hear of his family member’s death, so we left him alone to collect his thoughts for about 3 minutes. Then we strapped him to a small bush so he could not possibly escape. However, after an insignificant struggle, Big Bob fled into the river and was not seen again.

Lead Ghumadian health advisor. . . well, it appears there is no health advisor. . .

Lead Ghumadian Statistical expert estimates that approximately 100% of the population in Ghumada is overly obese, according to his poll conducted the same night the lifespan survey was conducted. This statistic is likely due to the unhealthy diet consisting of pork grinds. It is believed that if other foods, such as Bark Beans, were made legal, then the obesity problem would be solved. However, President Jaquan’s wife, Patricia Marmon, stands strong in her belief to support the pork grind farmers by banning all other foods.

Authentic can of Pork Grinds.

The health crisis in Ghumada is a serious issue that needs to be addressed. However, it probably won’t because Pope Guadalupe is too busy gluing together his newly revised manuscript, entitled, “Ancient Guadalupe: Ghuddism Anecdotes”.

Ghumada's Hidden Treasure

Recently, several concerned citizens have been inquiring about a (theoretical) secret organization of Ghumada Elites known as the Slimy Barbarians. Citizens have been concerned that this organization has been conducting illegal schemes involving the coal mines.

At the last Ghumada council meeting, which took place on Pope Guadalupe’s porch because there are no council meetings, a concerned citizen only known as “Big Bob” listed his concerns in this unorganized spreadsheet.

Slimy Barbarians

By Bob

1. The pork grinds are getting more expensive.
2. The oil coming from the coal mines is interfering with my daily job exercises.
3. Pope Guadalupe is covering up the secret cantaloupe blaster designed by Gordon Gordon.

According to a poll consisting of Pope Guadalupe, Big Bob is what you might call a “Mop Molester”. But you might not call him that, and that’s alright too. Either way, he’s pretty dumb. However, he did make some rather startling claims involving Gordon Gordon, who just recently awoke from his 12 month coma, which he claims was “all Orkle Albana’s fault for not taking the roasting antelope out of the microwave”. Here is what Gordon Gordon has to say when questioned about the rumoured “Cantaloupe Blaster”

“Well, I’m not making any promises here but I might have been working on a special little project involving spring loaded Carp-Gilled Bass. Ok fine, I admit it, I created an automatic beef-blower.”

Lead Scientist Gordon Gordon standing in front of the
smoldering ruins of his (former) Science Lab.

Gordon Gordon’s claims seemed rather innocent, so we decided to investigate the new BASSLOG (Big-Ass Super Science Lab of Ghumada). Orkle Albana, who was recently destroyed in the deadly accident at the previous science lab of Gordon Gordon (The ECEGSLOGTGGUTCSE), seemed to be rather busy putting together a progress report for the effects of the Pork Grind shortage. However, Pope Guadalupe threatened to decapitate his entire family if he didn’t talk to us, so that got his attention (even though Orkle Albana was a clone created by Gordon Gordon that has no family). However, at that time, it was his lunch break so he left the lab.

Now, Gordon Gordon is believed to be working on a way to rescue Coal Miner Jo Lopez from the bottom of the endless pit coal mine. Actually, we know for a fact that he is because he told us. But this raises one important question: Why has this accident occured? It probably wasn’t because Jo Lopez fell off of the 2 foot wide circular beam made out of ice that connects one end of the mine to the other. This has many citizens, such as Big Bob, convinced that the secret organization known as the Slimy Barbarians is behind the disaster. But that’s all I can say now because . . . (Loud helicopter/pigeon noises in the background) Oh no! They’ve found me!

(disturbing tentacle noises in the background) No! Please! Stop it!

(You will be banished to the Land of Misery for your crimes!) No! I don’t want to see Uncle Mole!

(Mort Biaster whacked loudly) (Dragging noises)

This is Frig Pops Jr, head of Ghumada National Securtity, and let this be an example to you that illegal news articles on sketchy websites will not be tolerated in Ghumada. Alsom disregard what you may have heard about Mole Ester. He is probably not in the Land of Misery building drainage pipes for the rest of eternity.

(Wait, we’re getting word that he didn’t actually commit any crimes) (Ha! I told you!) (Shut up you filthy rat-neck licker!)

What? you mean we came in here for no reason?

(Yeah, pretty much)

Good Hell! We’ve been deceived!

(Loud slurping noises, sort of like a rhinoceros stepping on a porcupine)

Oh! What a relief, they’ve releases me! This just shows how corrupted the Ghumada security system is, they tried to decapitate me! Well, I should probably go investigate the new rubber-tack they installed on the sidewalk, there has to be some juicy controversy there, right? This is Mort Biaston, signing off. And remember, there’s only three and a half skin-folds in a four-skin mount.

Lead Science Department Destroyed in Freak Accident

            Late last week, lead scientist Gordon Gordon, while experimenting with unravelling the mysteries of Automatic Cantaloupes, was involved in a serious accident involving extremely dangerous flip-switches. We do not have many details at this time, and we do not plan to receive any more. The only thing that remains of the smoldering site of the accident was a single piece of paper, buried among the ruins of what was once the ECEGSLOGTGGUTCSE, The Experimental-Complex-Expensive-Great-Science-Lab of Ghumada That Gordon Gordon Uses to Conduct Science Experiments. Gordon Gordon is now believed to be in intensive care under Dr. Hiffle Jhee in the National Hospital of Ghumada (which received 2.29.3 stars out of 5 in its last inspection).

The paper uncovered from the ruins was believed to be written by Orkle Albana, Gordon Gordon’s un-trusted lab assistant of 23 years. He describes in startling detail the unlawful experiments being conducted in the lab. But of course, Ghumada doesn’t have any laws so the experiments were not actually unlawful. The last entry was dated August 46, 200014*.

August 46, 200014

Good hell it’s getting steamy in here I believe it’s time for the experiment’s results to process. GG has been working on this one for so long and I think he will be excited that it is time. (Loud crash) oh no I think one of them has escaped (scuffling noises) oh hell the damn thing is loose ahhhhhh. Just kidding I was just practicing my screenplay novel that didn’t actually happen hahahahahaha. But the Varmins are getting pretty restless so I’ll go give them their daily allowances of seven slices.

We still have yet to fully analyze this literature, as our lead analyzer, O’glascoe P’dascoe, is currently conducting a voodoo ceremony for the National Ghumada Elementary for Juveniles. So for now, we can only assume that Gordon Gordon has gone too far into the secrets of Pork-Grinds. 

Picture of the remains of Gordon Gordon's Lab

New! Gordon Gordon Invents Automatic Gladiator!

Hello! It is I, Gordon Gordon! i have invented! something new! I call it the Automatic Gladiator! or just Automatic Gladiator for short! What is does is it lets you just use it! Then you can have a personal warrior! This will be like a new Meat-bot! They can be Ghumada's Army warriors!

Frivolous Plague Hits Ghumada

Today the beginning of a new era has begun. A great plague has stricken the country. One will notice the many hoards of inhabitants that have gone missing from society. This is due to the horrible effects of the Klop-Froth G plague, developed by our very own scientist. Gordon Gordon.

Close up of the Klop-Froth G bacteria

It all started one night when Gordon Gordon was on his way back home from his laboratory. It was then that he realized that he forgot his car, so he immediately turned around and walked back to the parking lot.

When he got back to his laboratory, it was already 6:00. So, realizing it would be dark in about 4 hours, he did the most logical thing by staying the night in his laboratory.

In the lab, Gordon Gordon couldn't help but play around with a few specimens from his collection. he started playing with the black plague, and realized it would be pretty cool if he combined it with SmallPox™. And so, Klop-Froth G was created.


Now, over 73.000000099% of the country has been infected with the Klop-Froth G plague. Infected victims will first notice an extreme swelling of the throat and left arm. Then, their eyes will fall out like a light bulb that's not screwed in (they will shatter when they hit the ground). The final stage of Klop-Froth G includes a state of insecurity and extreme pain in several spots of the body. After this stage, it is already too late and the victim will swell up and spontaneously explode.
Gordon Gordon is "not too concerned about the outbreak, because we will probably find a cure eventually". Pope Guadalupe is being held in protective custody, because President Jaquan has already suffered the extreme effects of the plague. Guadalupe says, "I just wish I would have packed some extra cables, so I could have some extra cables". 
We are hopeful for a cure by tomorrow, when Gordon Gordon is said to wake up from his 8 week nap.

Happy Birthday President Jaquan III

It feels like just last week that I was birthing Ghumada's current president, Jaquan Jamillionson III from his mother, J'Dinkalage Morgoone. Well, it was, in fact, 732 years ago to the day that Ghumada's noble (not as noble as the Pope) leader was brought into this world.

Only known portrait of J'Dinkalage Morgoone

 This is why I, Pope Guadalupe IV, am declaring a National Day of Ignorance for the Presidents cancer. Yes, you heard right, President Jaquan has a cancerous growth in his pancreas. So, ignore the cancer that you wouldn't have known about if I didn't tell you and wish the president a nice birthday.

Also, Jaquan will be celebrating his birthday for a whole month, because that is how long it took his mother to give birth to him. Trust me, you don't want to know about that experience.

President Jaquan III

Startling news about Gordon Gordon

We've discovered some startling secrets about Gordon Gordon, our lead scientist here at the Ghumada Candhi Commiteration. It is common knowledge that Gordon Gordon was grown from a pig seed. However, what you may not know is his early life.

Gordon Gordon was a mysterious man; it is rumoured that he grew from a British pig seed, as that was where he was first spotted. The first major incident that involved Gordon Gordon was when he revealed himself as a swindler. He used imposterisim and fraudulentalizing to imposterize and fraudulize well over $30,000 from a group of London jewelers.

Gordon Gordon then moved to Minnesota, which became his permanent place of residence. He met another shady man knownly only as Gould who made some startling claims. Gould wanted to gain control of the Erie Railroad, and Gordon Gordon said he could help him get it. Gould sent him $1,000,000 in stocks, but Gordon Gordon scammed him and sold it immediately. Gould then sued Gordon Gordon, and things looked bleak.

But luckily, Gordon Gordon tricked the court by sending them false references in return for getting bail. While the court was checking the references, Gordon Gordon took this opportunity to flee to Canada. He then convinced Canadian authorities that the allegations brought against him were false. After failing to convince or force Canadian authorities to hand over Gordon Gordon, Gould and his associates, who included two future Governors of Minnesota and three future Members of Congress, attempted to kidnap him. They initially succeeded, but were stopped by the Canadian mounted police.

The kidnappers were imprisoned and were not given bail, which led to an international incident. The Governor of Minnesota activated the state militia, and thousands of Minnesotans volunteered for a full-scale military invasion of Canada. The Canadians were pressured into releasing the prisoners, and were forced to deport Gordon Gordon. Gordon Gordon barely managed to escape and find refuge in the Ghumada Candhi Commiteration, where he is now lead scientist. The government managed to convince the press that Gordon Gordon committed suicide, but this is false information as he is actually immortal.

Pope Guadalupe Meets With Dr. Martinez

On ZzzzzZDay (the day after Sunday and befire Monday) of last week Pope Guadalupe interviewed Dr. Sebastian Fredrico Juarez Lupe Pancho Pedro Tomas Ricardo LawnMower Burrito Francisco Pablo Martinez. Here is what he had to say:

"I enjoy to rub furry duck on the beef."

Based on their leader's startling claim here, it's clear that our neighboring country of Ghordongo has gone way too far this time.

We must take immediate action. As the noble Pope of the Committeration, I hereby reccommend that we declare war on Ghordongo. We have a sufficient army of meat-bots (designed by lead scientist Gordon Gordon) to send into Ghordongo. The Ghordongians will never suspect our assault, so we will have a great advantage.

In order to declare war, we need approval by the president.Also, the coal miners will need to work very hard in order to get enough coal to power the army.

Official Symbol of Ghuddism

Within Ghuddism there lies many traditional values. Included are several Sacred Symbols. The first Sacred Symbol is the Sacred Triangle.

The Great Mohammed Bin Laden first discovered this amazing geometric wonder when he was at a hysteric coordinate convention. It was there that he witnessed the most important event that year (23456 BC). He did not, however, go into great detail about what this event was specifically.

The main symbol that represents Ghuddism is the so-sacred-that-it's-almost-not-sacred Hyster-Lick.

Nobody truly knows for sure where the Hyster-Lick originated. Some say that the symbol was carved into the rock as the Earth was being formed, where it was witnessed by an old fellow who shared the symbol with his companions. Others say that it is the logo of an ancient lawn mowing company. But we're pretty sure they didn't have lawn mowers trillions of years ago, so we just go with the first story.