Crombolian Army Invades Ghumada Streets, Equipped with Threatening Wooden Poles

Unfortunately, in a mildly surprising sequence of events, the streets of Ghumada have been invaded by a hostile race of humanoid beasts. Most of the citizens have either not take notice or don’t care enough to do anything about the invasion. Thousands of Crombolian soldiers wearing shiny battle vests accompanied by threatening war machines march through the streets of Ghumada.

According to reports from an anonymous citizen who was watching from the window of a sort of tall building, a single shirtless man was seen angrily appearing from the door of his home to yell at the soldiers, complaining about the noise. One of the soldiers was heard making a surprised grunting noise as he whacked he man in the head with a wooden pole.

An emergency council consisting of Mort Biaston, Orkle Albana, and Bronson Swanlick (the last remaining member of the Ghumada Panel of Foreign Affairs [GPF-Affairs]) have decided unanimously to take no action until the completion of a lighthearted breakfast.

After the completion of a lighthearted breakfast approximately 3 hours later Orkle Albana, Science expert and lab assistant to Lead Scientist Gordon Gordon, claimed that the Crombolians are a technologically superior race of humanoid organisms that “have the potential to mess stuff up”. This seemed like a fact-based statement, as the soldiers have been spotted carrying threatening wooden poles and launching large hunks of melting plastic towards buildings. This disturbing observation has opened up the discussion for a possible way to combat the foreign invaders.

Threatening Crombolian war machine

Th GPF-Affairs, the former acting government system for the crumbling state of Ghumada, has been unofficially disbanded due to forseen circumstances. All members, including former council spokesman Kori Klonkers, have been reported as being seen fleeing the country carrying half filled trash bags. Unfortunately, they chose to flee at night by taking the very steep cliff route across the border into neighboring country Gordhongo, which is as dangerous as it sounds.

According to the chain of command principles drafted by the former council, which was written on a dirty piece of paper sack, states that under the circumstance no council member is able to perform the duty of the council, the next-in-command would be the janitor of the small shed which served as a meeting place. The former janitor, Bronson Swanlick, upon hearing this, disappeared suddenly and returned several hours later wearing an embellished historical war general suit, complete with a small hat glued to the corner of his abnormally large scalp.

As his first action as “Emergency Backup War General of Ghumada in a Time of War Crisis” (EBWGGT, codename ‘Eggbeater’ for official military radio frequencies), Bronson Swanlick has issued a short video message to the citizens of Ghumada via a large projection on top of the Gordon Gordon Inc. skyscraper.

“Attention Citizens of Ghumada, this is your new Eggbeater speaking, Bronson Swanlick. You may or most likely may not know me as an insignificant janitor without any war experience or noteworthy accomplishments to speak of.

“I am speaking to you today to inform you that your country is under attack by a foreign race known as the Crombolians. Please remain indoors, and remember to brush your teeth if you have any. That is all. Good day Ghumada.”

Unfortunately, the activation of the Gordon Gordon Inc. skyscraper projection had the unintended effect of alerting the majority of the citizens to go outside and look at it, as they had nothing better to do. It also alerted the invading Crombolians, who have set up makeshift tents on most of the corners in Ghumada. This sequence of events lead to many Ghumada citizens getting audibly whacked in the heads with threatening wooden poles.

Orkle Albana, in a press release to Ghumada News, claims that lead scientist Gordon Gordon has been awakened from a deep slumber to work on rebooting the Ghumada Meat Bot™ Army to combat the invaders. The Meat Bot™ Army has not been mobilized since the fabric attack several months ago when a deranged group of hostile fabric makers started throwing fabric at local citizens. They were easily neutralized by the Meat Bots™’  signature “meat foam” spray.

For now, citizens of Ghumada are being encouraged to remain indoors until the situation can be dealt with. Eggbeater Swanlick is attempting to establish communication with the leader of the Crombolian army, however all attempts at communication have ended in confusion due to the language barrier.  

Lead Science Department Destroyed in Freak Accident

            Late last week, lead scientist Gordon Gordon, while experimenting with unravelling the mysteries of Automatic Cantaloupes, was involved in a serious accident involving extremely dangerous flip-switches. We do not have many details at this time, and we do not plan to receive any more. The only thing that remains of the smoldering site of the accident was a single piece of paper, buried among the ruins of what was once the ECEGSLOGTGGUTCSE, The Experimental-Complex-Expensive-Great-Science-Lab of Ghumada That Gordon Gordon Uses to Conduct Science Experiments. Gordon Gordon is now believed to be in intensive care under Dr. Hiffle Jhee in the National Hospital of Ghumada (which received 2.29.3 stars out of 5 in its last inspection).

The paper uncovered from the ruins was believed to be written by Orkle Albana, Gordon Gordon’s un-trusted lab assistant of 23 years. He describes in startling detail the unlawful experiments being conducted in the lab. But of course, Ghumada doesn’t have any laws so the experiments were not actually unlawful. The last entry was dated August 46, 200014*.

August 46, 200014

Good hell it’s getting steamy in here I believe it’s time for the experiment’s results to process. GG has been working on this one for so long and I think he will be excited that it is time. (Loud crash) oh no I think one of them has escaped (scuffling noises) oh hell the damn thing is loose ahhhhhh. Just kidding I was just practicing my screenplay novel that didn’t actually happen hahahahahaha. But the Varmins are getting pretty restless so I’ll go give them their daily allowances of seven slices.

We still have yet to fully analyze this literature, as our lead analyzer, O’glascoe P’dascoe, is currently conducting a voodoo ceremony for the National Ghumada Elementary for Juveniles. So for now, we can only assume that Gordon Gordon has gone too far into the secrets of Pork-Grinds. 

Picture of the remains of Gordon Gordon's Lab

New! Gordon Gordon Invents Automatic Gladiator!

Hello! It is I, Gordon Gordon! i have invented! something new! I call it the Automatic Gladiator! or just Automatic Gladiator for short! What is does is it lets you just use it! Then you can have a personal warrior! This will be like a new Meat-bot! They can be Ghumada's Army warriors!

Startling news about Gordon Gordon

We've discovered some startling secrets about Gordon Gordon, our lead scientist here at the Ghumada Candhi Commiteration. It is common knowledge that Gordon Gordon was grown from a pig seed. However, what you may not know is his early life.

Gordon Gordon was a mysterious man; it is rumoured that he grew from a British pig seed, as that was where he was first spotted. The first major incident that involved Gordon Gordon was when he revealed himself as a swindler. He used imposterisim and fraudulentalizing to imposterize and fraudulize well over $30,000 from a group of London jewelers.

Gordon Gordon then moved to Minnesota, which became his permanent place of residence. He met another shady man knownly only as Gould who made some startling claims. Gould wanted to gain control of the Erie Railroad, and Gordon Gordon said he could help him get it. Gould sent him $1,000,000 in stocks, but Gordon Gordon scammed him and sold it immediately. Gould then sued Gordon Gordon, and things looked bleak.

But luckily, Gordon Gordon tricked the court by sending them false references in return for getting bail. While the court was checking the references, Gordon Gordon took this opportunity to flee to Canada. He then convinced Canadian authorities that the allegations brought against him were false. After failing to convince or force Canadian authorities to hand over Gordon Gordon, Gould and his associates, who included two future Governors of Minnesota and three future Members of Congress, attempted to kidnap him. They initially succeeded, but were stopped by the Canadian mounted police.

The kidnappers were imprisoned and were not given bail, which led to an international incident. The Governor of Minnesota activated the state militia, and thousands of Minnesotans volunteered for a full-scale military invasion of Canada. The Canadians were pressured into releasing the prisoners, and were forced to deport Gordon Gordon. Gordon Gordon barely managed to escape and find refuge in the Ghumada Candhi Commiteration, where he is now lead scientist. The government managed to convince the press that Gordon Gordon committed suicide, but this is false information as he is actually immortal.

Pope Guadalupe Meets With Dr. Martinez

On ZzzzzZDay (the day after Sunday and befire Monday) of last week Pope Guadalupe interviewed Dr. Sebastian Fredrico Juarez Lupe Pancho Pedro Tomas Ricardo LawnMower Burrito Francisco Pablo Martinez. Here is what he had to say:

"I enjoy to rub furry duck on the beef."

Based on their leader's startling claim here, it's clear that our neighboring country of Ghordongo has gone way too far this time.

We must take immediate action. As the noble Pope of the Committeration, I hereby reccommend that we declare war on Ghordongo. We have a sufficient army of meat-bots (designed by lead scientist Gordon Gordon) to send into Ghordongo. The Ghordongians will never suspect our assault, so we will have a great advantage.

In order to declare war, we need approval by the president.Also, the coal miners will need to work very hard in order to get enough coal to power the army.