Crombolian Army Invades Ghumada Streets, Equipped with Threatening Wooden Poles

Unfortunately, in a mildly surprising sequence of events, the streets of Ghumada have been invaded by a hostile race of humanoid beasts. Most of the citizens have either not take notice or don’t care enough to do anything about the invasion. Thousands of Crombolian soldiers wearing shiny battle vests accompanied by threatening war machines march through the streets of Ghumada.

According to reports from an anonymous citizen who was watching from the window of a sort of tall building, a single shirtless man was seen angrily appearing from the door of his home to yell at the soldiers, complaining about the noise. One of the soldiers was heard making a surprised grunting noise as he whacked he man in the head with a wooden pole.

An emergency council consisting of Mort Biaston, Orkle Albana, and Bronson Swanlick (the last remaining member of the Ghumada Panel of Foreign Affairs [GPF-Affairs]) have decided unanimously to take no action until the completion of a lighthearted breakfast.

After the completion of a lighthearted breakfast approximately 3 hours later Orkle Albana, Science expert and lab assistant to Lead Scientist Gordon Gordon, claimed that the Crombolians are a technologically superior race of humanoid organisms that “have the potential to mess stuff up”. This seemed like a fact-based statement, as the soldiers have been spotted carrying threatening wooden poles and launching large hunks of melting plastic towards buildings. This disturbing observation has opened up the discussion for a possible way to combat the foreign invaders.

Threatening Crombolian war machine

Th GPF-Affairs, the former acting government system for the crumbling state of Ghumada, has been unofficially disbanded due to forseen circumstances. All members, including former council spokesman Kori Klonkers, have been reported as being seen fleeing the country carrying half filled trash bags. Unfortunately, they chose to flee at night by taking the very steep cliff route across the border into neighboring country Gordhongo, which is as dangerous as it sounds.

According to the chain of command principles drafted by the former council, which was written on a dirty piece of paper sack, states that under the circumstance no council member is able to perform the duty of the council, the next-in-command would be the janitor of the small shed which served as a meeting place. The former janitor, Bronson Swanlick, upon hearing this, disappeared suddenly and returned several hours later wearing an embellished historical war general suit, complete with a small hat glued to the corner of his abnormally large scalp.

As his first action as “Emergency Backup War General of Ghumada in a Time of War Crisis” (EBWGGT, codename ‘Eggbeater’ for official military radio frequencies), Bronson Swanlick has issued a short video message to the citizens of Ghumada via a large projection on top of the Gordon Gordon Inc. skyscraper.

“Attention Citizens of Ghumada, this is your new Eggbeater speaking, Bronson Swanlick. You may or most likely may not know me as an insignificant janitor without any war experience or noteworthy accomplishments to speak of.

“I am speaking to you today to inform you that your country is under attack by a foreign race known as the Crombolians. Please remain indoors, and remember to brush your teeth if you have any. That is all. Good day Ghumada.”

Unfortunately, the activation of the Gordon Gordon Inc. skyscraper projection had the unintended effect of alerting the majority of the citizens to go outside and look at it, as they had nothing better to do. It also alerted the invading Crombolians, who have set up makeshift tents on most of the corners in Ghumada. This sequence of events lead to many Ghumada citizens getting audibly whacked in the heads with threatening wooden poles.

Orkle Albana, in a press release to Ghumada News, claims that lead scientist Gordon Gordon has been awakened from a deep slumber to work on rebooting the Ghumada Meat Bot™ Army to combat the invaders. The Meat Bot™ Army has not been mobilized since the fabric attack several months ago when a deranged group of hostile fabric makers started throwing fabric at local citizens. They were easily neutralized by the Meat Bots™’  signature “meat foam” spray.

For now, citizens of Ghumada are being encouraged to remain indoors until the situation can be dealt with. Eggbeater Swanlick is attempting to establish communication with the leader of the Crombolian army, however all attempts at communication have ended in confusion due to the language barrier.  

Ghumada Satellite Destroyed by Aggressive Space Race

The Ghumada Panel of Foreign Affairs (GPF-Affairs) is on high alert as the capital has been sealed to complete lockdown this week. Of course, no one usually tries to get in or out of the walls, due to the dense and deadly jungle outside the walls with many roaming beasts, but the newly formed panel has felt it necessary to post several informative brochures on various poles and dead trees around the slums. No live trees were utilized to display brochures, as that would be considered animal cruelty.

Last month, the GOSA launched the first atmospheric satellite into orbit. The project was a complete success ;the team of scientists in charge of the project (consisting of two of Gordon Gordon’s inexperienced apprentices) reported that they were able to view several images beamed down from the satellite using an apparatus of a complex series of mirrors aimed at the sky. This allowed them to see, for the first time in Ghumada History since the explosion of 33 that wiped out 98% of civilization on Ghumada, a rough image of the orbital sphere that the country is located on. The image surprised them, revealing that the continent containing Ghumada and Gordhongho is not the only land mass on the planet. Through grainy pencil sketches, they were able to see a large land mass to the north, previously undiscovered.

They would have been able to collect more data, but the satellite suddenly went offline in an unexpected incident. The last image the scientists recall is a strange humanoid space explorer hurtling towards the satellite. The chilling image has been shared below, view at your own risk:

An advanced race, previously unknown to Ghumada experts, has been living undetected on the same planet and has apparently been inhabiting space. Lead scientist Gordon Gordon has been consulted to discuss this problem with the GPF-Affairs, but he is nowhere to be found. It is believed that he has wandered off into the jungle again, according to his research and lab assistant Orkle Albana.

Just 25 minutes after the discovery of the startling image, a mysterious parachute floated down from the sky, landing directly in front of the dirty shack that the GPF-Affairs has chosen to occupy for secret meetings and stuff. The message contained a threatening message written in a complex unknown format. Nobody was able to decipher the message, as it was printed in an unknown language consisting of several hundred characters made up of weird lines and dots, but the general consensus among officials was that the message was a proposal for war.

The newly discovered continent seemingly occupied by a superior race with strange head projections has been named Crombolia until further data is gathered. It was pointed out that the strange calcified appendages beaming out from the helmet in the mysterious space image resemble those of Carver Kerver, the former presidential candidate that tried to take over Ghumada. The observation was dismissed, as nobody listens to anything Bronson Swanlick the janitor says.

Carver Kerver, apparently resembling the image of humanoid space explorer taken by Ghumada Satellite