Ghumada Satellite Destroyed by Aggressive Space Race

The Ghumada Panel of Foreign Affairs (GPF-Affairs) is on high alert as the capital has been sealed to complete lockdown this week. Of course, no one usually tries to get in or out of the walls, due to the dense and deadly jungle outside the walls with many roaming beasts, but the newly formed panel has felt it necessary to post several informative brochures on various poles and dead trees around the slums. No live trees were utilized to display brochures, as that would be considered animal cruelty.

Last month, the GOSA launched the first atmospheric satellite into orbit. The project was a complete success ;the team of scientists in charge of the project (consisting of two of Gordon Gordon’s inexperienced apprentices) reported that they were able to view several images beamed down from the satellite using an apparatus of a complex series of mirrors aimed at the sky. This allowed them to see, for the first time in Ghumada History since the explosion of 33 that wiped out 98% of civilization on Ghumada, a rough image of the orbital sphere that the country is located on. The image surprised them, revealing that the continent containing Ghumada and Gordhongho is not the only land mass on the planet. Through grainy pencil sketches, they were able to see a large land mass to the north, previously undiscovered.

They would have been able to collect more data, but the satellite suddenly went offline in an unexpected incident. The last image the scientists recall is a strange humanoid space explorer hurtling towards the satellite. The chilling image has been shared below, view at your own risk:

An advanced race, previously unknown to Ghumada experts, has been living undetected on the same planet and has apparently been inhabiting space. Lead scientist Gordon Gordon has been consulted to discuss this problem with the GPF-Affairs, but he is nowhere to be found. It is believed that he has wandered off into the jungle again, according to his research and lab assistant Orkle Albana.

Just 25 minutes after the discovery of the startling image, a mysterious parachute floated down from the sky, landing directly in front of the dirty shack that the GPF-Affairs has chosen to occupy for secret meetings and stuff. The message contained a threatening message written in a complex unknown format. Nobody was able to decipher the message, as it was printed in an unknown language consisting of several hundred characters made up of weird lines and dots, but the general consensus among officials was that the message was a proposal for war.

The newly discovered continent seemingly occupied by a superior race with strange head projections has been named Crombolia until further data is gathered. It was pointed out that the strange calcified appendages beaming out from the helmet in the mysterious space image resemble those of Carver Kerver, the former presidential candidate that tried to take over Ghumada. The observation was dismissed, as nobody listens to anything Bronson Swanlick the janitor says.

Carver Kerver, apparently resembling the image of humanoid space explorer taken by Ghumada Satellite 

Gordon Gordon's Intruder

In observing the lab of Gordon Gordon from the outside on this particular day, one would notice that the small partially boarded over window has been painted over with some kind of reflective material. But wait, now the smoke settles and you see that it wasn't paint after all but another one of Gordon Gordon's hysterical experiments. For a moment, the uncomfortable silence settles in, then, as if on cue, the mad cackle of a deranged scientist reverberates through the air, sending chills down the backs of anyone unfortunate enough to be in the area at the wrong moment.

"I've done it!" he exclaims, "I've figured out how to stop the aging process!" He proudly holds a small vile of a gooey brown  substance. As he stares inquisitively at his creation, a small curious bubble surfaces and explodes, sending a splatter of disgusting manure-smelling fluid into his eyes. Damn it, he thinks, I've forgotten to wear my safety eye-protection again!

"Ouch!" he proclaims "It itches!" For a moment, nothing extraordinary happens. But, two seconds later, a marvelous change begins to take place. Gordon Gordon suddenly stands up straight, his eyes bulging open seemingly beyond maximum capacity. For approximately 6 minutes, he stands alert without moving. Finally, after what seems like an eternity to any convenient spectator (there were none) he slowly begins to open his mouth until he is emitting an annoying high pitched noise that has never before been heard in Ghumada.

"Holy Hell! I feel as if I could lift a car battery!" And he did, however he didn't have any convenient car batteries laying around the lab at that moment, and he didn't have a car (he decided to ride his favorite rhinoceros/fruit fly hybrid to work today) so he walked over to the nearest bus stop about 4 miles down the road from the lab.

After 3 minutes of slow paced trotting down the muddy dirt road, he suddenly began to run wildly, similarly to some kind of wild running creature that received an injection of otherworldly narcotics. After finally reaching the bus stop, he realized that he had forgotten his neck watch back at the lab. How was he to check how long it would take the bus to arrive without his trusty neck watch!? So, after a quick gesture signaling the bus to move along, he began rapidly scurrying back towards the general direction of his lab.

Back in the lab, Gordon Gordon burst through the door (which at this point was actually a thin hole-filled sheet hanging form the arch where there may have once been a door) He happened to pass by the cracked, filth-covered mirror that he had hung there years ago. A nervous shriek escaped his throat.

"Holy Hell! I look as if I haven't aged in a day!" And it was true, he looked exactly the same as he had this morning. For this reason, he decided to celebrate his new discovery. He got out some snacks and 15 minutes later the lab was filled with music and thick colorful smoke. He also crafted some very bright flashing colorful lights that could be seen from all around.

The small celebration, which lasted far into the night time, attracted the attention of a lonely passerby who had lost his home in an unfortunate accident which resulted in the loss of his entire family and most of his belongings. All he had left of his former life was a wet black t-shirt filled with holes and the small left shoe of a child. He carried these things around as if they were his entire world. Which they were, as the only mementos he would ever have left of his family.

The stranger had been wondering through the dense forests of Ghumada for many hours until he heard the comforting sounds of rude music and mad screaming coming from the other direction. He immediately pivoted directions and began to head towards the noise. He had no other purpose but to find out what this strange disturbance could be.

The stranger slowly crept up to the edge of the woods and observed the strange site from behind a large boulder. Gordon Gordon was wildly chasing around some kind of chicken-like creature through his lab. Fascinated, the stranger decided to take a closer look. He slowly inched towards the small window located on the side of the lab and peered through, careful not to be spotted.

What he saw in the small messy lab with equipment that appeared to be coated in some sort of strange glowing liquid amazed him. On the large chalkboard standing near the back of the lab there were some complex looking symbols and equations that made absolutely no sense to him. But, written under all of the numbers and junk, it appeared as if the scientist had figured out a way to permanently stop the aging process in humans! It was apparent by the fact that the words "I have figured out a way to stop the aging process in humans!" were written boldly in three different colors (green and two different shades of blue, as the first blue ran out).

A stranger peers into the lab of Gordon Gordon

Imagine the possibilities of what he has to gain with such an invention! He could sell the formula to some kind of drug company or something and make enough money the buy a new house, all of his previous belongings, and still have enough left over to buy clones of his entire dead family! He decided to wait until the scientist was sleeping to try and steal the amazing concoction.

Unfortunately for that stranger, Gordon Gordon had ingested some potent chemicals that not only made him act completely irrationally, but also prevented him from sleeping at all for at least the next 45 hours. Of course, the stranger had no idea, so after everything seemed quiet in the lab the stranger made his way to the front entrance, which wasn't too difficult to bypass seeing as it was simply a thin rotting sheet hanging by a couple of nails.

The stranger stood  in the doorway, smiling at himself for making such quick and easy work of entering the lab. He started to walk over to the various shelves and tables to begin searching for his prize. He nearly jumped out of his skin when he began to hear a disturbing shriek come from above his head. He looked up just in time to see a completely insane scientist with wild buldging eyes falling towards him from the ceiling, with a sharp looking scalpel in his left hand.

Unfortunately, on his way down from his hiding spot, Gordon Gordon managed to hit his head on the corner of a lab table. He was unable to apprehend this savage criminal, but the stranger was spooked enough to get the hell out of there. He wasted no time bounding out the door and down the road, only looking back towards the lab several times.

Gordon Gordon woke up in a few hours in a small pool of his own blood on the floor. He took a moment to recall his surroundings, then suddenly bolted upright, smacking his head loudly on the same corner that knocked him out before. Again, he fell slowly to the floor and landed in the same pool of blood.

A couple hours later, he woke up again with a ridiculous headache. He turned over on to his side to look towards the door way. There was no sign of the intruder and the memory was getting a bit hazy. However, he did notice a small white shoe that looked like it belonged to a child mysteriously strewn near the doorway. He picked it up and disgustedly threw it into the garbage, not knowing who it belonged to or how it got into his lab.

Desecrating Control Scheme in Effect During Not-a-War

It's no secret that there is no war going on. Ghumada is currently the poorest country anywhere, according to a list compiled by statistical expert Klarke Jingles which consisted of only Ghumada and no other countries. Dictator Kerver has issued a doctrine which required all currency to be destroyed by means of dirty scalpel. However, Ghumada never had any currency in the first place, therefore making it difficult to destroy the nonexistent currency. It is for this reason that Dictator Kerver imported over 3 trillion cents of miscellaneous currency for the purpose of being destroyed.

Unfortunately, the fire (fueled by several tons of a potent mixture of gasoline and liquid uranium) somehow got out of control (no thanks to the Ghumada fire department that disbanded seven years ago after "the ice cream truck incident"). The fire spread to first spread to Old Bob's house (who still refuses to come out, despite the fact that he is sitting in a pile of smoldering embers) and then spontaneously wiped out the entire city. 

Dictator Kerver celebrating the ceremonial destruction of all currency, actually the whole city 

Old Bob, a proud Ghumadan citizen, refuses to leave his property even after his house has been reduced to a pile of smoldering embers. He will likely die of cancer in the next 6 hours due to the dangerous radiation levels.

Luckily, a motorcyclist was there to save the day (kind of). He showed up about 7 hours after the fires started, but he brought a few buckets. Unfortunately, there wasn't any nearby water supplies so he couldn't use the buckets. He tried to escape but he ran over some rusty nails and the tires on his motorcycle were destroyed, leaving him helpless in the middle of the road. He is probably still there.

Small Jim, while going for his morning walk, noticed something very strange. He is not very observant, so he didn't notice that the entire city was burned down. He wanted to buy a snack from the strange man on the corner, but he noticed that he wasn't in his usual spot. Small Jim's favorite snack was the orange liquid that you eat with a needle. Disappointed, Small Jim took a speedy stroll down to the lake (about a 3 day walk) so he could look for some mushrooms. However, he remembered when he got there that the mushrooms didn't grow by the lake, they grow by the river. So, he spent another week walking speedily to the river, where he found one tiny mushroom.  

Exclusive Interview With O'Glascoe P'Dascoe!

We are very excited to announce that we conducted a special interview with O'Glascoe P'Dascoe! This is the first known public interview with the well known literature expert. Unfortunately, O'Glascoe P'Dascoe failed to show up so there was no interview. Instead, we decided to interview this very educated walnut looking thing.

We quickly discovered that this strange cat was not who it claimed to be as it began attacking several members of our crew. We quickly pulled the emergency self destruct switch in a desperate attempt to save humanity. Unfortunately, there was a recall on this model of self destruct switch by Gordon Gordon Inc, and the switch did not work. After several minutes of widespread panic, we discovered that the strange creature had disappeared. Our strange walnut-looking creature expert Parson Jopkins is currently looking into this bizarre case more closely.

Meanwhile, a local trouble-maker known in the streets by the name "Scuff" walked in to our headquarters (which is pretty much just a little shack on the side of the road) thinking that it was a turtle salon. Surprisingly, this was not the first time this has happened so we kindly directed Scuff to the turtle salon across the street. What we didn't know was that this was actually a very offensive threat in hooligan-slang (2nd official language in Ghumada [Even though there is no official language in Ghumada]) So, Scuff returned exactly 45 seconds later* with his delinquent friends Buff, Puff, Enuff, and Johnny looking to make some mischief. They stood there in silence as the entire building stared at them in complete horror. After about 26 minutes** the thugs decided they would just knock over Secretary Janice's cup of rubber nuggets and run out the door. Thankfully, no one was hurt in this terrifying endeavor, although Secretary Janice was pretty shaken up that her rubber nuggets got spilled all over the floor. Ghumada News is providing free psychiatric evaluations for all the victims of this terrible act of violence, which is being called the "most terrifying act of cruelty since Mike shook up all the napkin holders last Thurday" by several different witnesses***.

Real picture of Scuff.  The rest of his gang looks exactly like him, except Johnny, he looks more like a retarded helicopter walrus mixed with a moldy fence post.

Also in the news, local inventor and apprentice of Gordon Gordon, Orkle Albana, has announced that he is going to be holding a large vacuum cleaner auction in the Topiary Dairy Memorial Garden this Sunday from 2:30 am to 2:32 am. In other news, Topiary Dairy is asked to take several weeks off of his job as lead police officer after questioning the reasoning behind the naming of the "Topiary Dairy Memorial Gardens", as he is clearly not dead or in need of memorial. Psychiatric evaluist Trisa Tranquil has suggested that Topiary Dairy is going through a severe grieving process due to his recent death, as can be expected for someone in his position.

Topiary Dairy in action on a typical busy workday. 

*This statistic provided by official time-keeper Bigol Tick, who times everything that happens and writes it all down on a piece of old paper plate

**This statistic is a very rough estimate, as Bigol Tick was taking a break to fix a leak in the floor

***Actually no witnesses

Ghumada's Hidden Treasure

Recently, several concerned citizens have been inquiring about a (theoretical) secret organization of Ghumada Elites known as the Slimy Barbarians. Citizens have been concerned that this organization has been conducting illegal schemes involving the coal mines.

At the last Ghumada council meeting, which took place on Pope Guadalupe’s porch because there are no council meetings, a concerned citizen only known as “Big Bob” listed his concerns in this unorganized spreadsheet.

Slimy Barbarians

By Bob

1. The pork grinds are getting more expensive.
2. The oil coming from the coal mines is interfering with my daily job exercises.
3. Pope Guadalupe is covering up the secret cantaloupe blaster designed by Gordon Gordon.

According to a poll consisting of Pope Guadalupe, Big Bob is what you might call a “Mop Molester”. But you might not call him that, and that’s alright too. Either way, he’s pretty dumb. However, he did make some rather startling claims involving Gordon Gordon, who just recently awoke from his 12 month coma, which he claims was “all Orkle Albana’s fault for not taking the roasting antelope out of the microwave”. Here is what Gordon Gordon has to say when questioned about the rumoured “Cantaloupe Blaster”

“Well, I’m not making any promises here but I might have been working on a special little project involving spring loaded Carp-Gilled Bass. Ok fine, I admit it, I created an automatic beef-blower.”

Lead Scientist Gordon Gordon standing in front of the
smoldering ruins of his (former) Science Lab.

Gordon Gordon’s claims seemed rather innocent, so we decided to investigate the new BASSLOG (Big-Ass Super Science Lab of Ghumada). Orkle Albana, who was recently destroyed in the deadly accident at the previous science lab of Gordon Gordon (The ECEGSLOGTGGUTCSE), seemed to be rather busy putting together a progress report for the effects of the Pork Grind shortage. However, Pope Guadalupe threatened to decapitate his entire family if he didn’t talk to us, so that got his attention (even though Orkle Albana was a clone created by Gordon Gordon that has no family). However, at that time, it was his lunch break so he left the lab.

Now, Gordon Gordon is believed to be working on a way to rescue Coal Miner Jo Lopez from the bottom of the endless pit coal mine. Actually, we know for a fact that he is because he told us. But this raises one important question: Why has this accident occured? It probably wasn’t because Jo Lopez fell off of the 2 foot wide circular beam made out of ice that connects one end of the mine to the other. This has many citizens, such as Big Bob, convinced that the secret organization known as the Slimy Barbarians is behind the disaster. But that’s all I can say now because . . . (Loud helicopter/pigeon noises in the background) Oh no! They’ve found me!

(disturbing tentacle noises in the background) No! Please! Stop it!

(You will be banished to the Land of Misery for your crimes!) No! I don’t want to see Uncle Mole!

(Mort Biaster whacked loudly) (Dragging noises)

This is Frig Pops Jr, head of Ghumada National Securtity, and let this be an example to you that illegal news articles on sketchy websites will not be tolerated in Ghumada. Alsom disregard what you may have heard about Mole Ester. He is probably not in the Land of Misery building drainage pipes for the rest of eternity.

(Wait, we’re getting word that he didn’t actually commit any crimes) (Ha! I told you!) (Shut up you filthy rat-neck licker!)

What? you mean we came in here for no reason?

(Yeah, pretty much)

Good Hell! We’ve been deceived!

(Loud slurping noises, sort of like a rhinoceros stepping on a porcupine)

Oh! What a relief, they’ve releases me! This just shows how corrupted the Ghumada security system is, they tried to decapitate me! Well, I should probably go investigate the new rubber-tack they installed on the sidewalk, there has to be some juicy controversy there, right? This is Mort Biaston, signing off. And remember, there’s only three and a half skin-folds in a four-skin mount.

Lead Science Department Destroyed in Freak Accident

            Late last week, lead scientist Gordon Gordon, while experimenting with unravelling the mysteries of Automatic Cantaloupes, was involved in a serious accident involving extremely dangerous flip-switches. We do not have many details at this time, and we do not plan to receive any more. The only thing that remains of the smoldering site of the accident was a single piece of paper, buried among the ruins of what was once the ECEGSLOGTGGUTCSE, The Experimental-Complex-Expensive-Great-Science-Lab of Ghumada That Gordon Gordon Uses to Conduct Science Experiments. Gordon Gordon is now believed to be in intensive care under Dr. Hiffle Jhee in the National Hospital of Ghumada (which received 2.29.3 stars out of 5 in its last inspection).

The paper uncovered from the ruins was believed to be written by Orkle Albana, Gordon Gordon’s un-trusted lab assistant of 23 years. He describes in startling detail the unlawful experiments being conducted in the lab. But of course, Ghumada doesn’t have any laws so the experiments were not actually unlawful. The last entry was dated August 46, 200014*.

August 46, 200014

Good hell it’s getting steamy in here I believe it’s time for the experiment’s results to process. GG has been working on this one for so long and I think he will be excited that it is time. (Loud crash) oh no I think one of them has escaped (scuffling noises) oh hell the damn thing is loose ahhhhhh. Just kidding I was just practicing my screenplay novel that didn’t actually happen hahahahahaha. But the Varmins are getting pretty restless so I’ll go give them their daily allowances of seven slices.

We still have yet to fully analyze this literature, as our lead analyzer, O’glascoe P’dascoe, is currently conducting a voodoo ceremony for the National Ghumada Elementary for Juveniles. So for now, we can only assume that Gordon Gordon has gone too far into the secrets of Pork-Grinds. 

Picture of the remains of Gordon Gordon's Lab

Frivolous Plague Hits Ghumada

Today the beginning of a new era has begun. A great plague has stricken the country. One will notice the many hoards of inhabitants that have gone missing from society. This is due to the horrible effects of the Klop-Froth G plague, developed by our very own scientist. Gordon Gordon.

Close up of the Klop-Froth G bacteria

It all started one night when Gordon Gordon was on his way back home from his laboratory. It was then that he realized that he forgot his car, so he immediately turned around and walked back to the parking lot.

When he got back to his laboratory, it was already 6:00. So, realizing it would be dark in about 4 hours, he did the most logical thing by staying the night in his laboratory.

In the lab, Gordon Gordon couldn't help but play around with a few specimens from his collection. he started playing with the black plague, and realized it would be pretty cool if he combined it with SmallPox™. And so, Klop-Froth G was created.


Now, over 73.000000099% of the country has been infected with the Klop-Froth G plague. Infected victims will first notice an extreme swelling of the throat and left arm. Then, their eyes will fall out like a light bulb that's not screwed in (they will shatter when they hit the ground). The final stage of Klop-Froth G includes a state of insecurity and extreme pain in several spots of the body. After this stage, it is already too late and the victim will swell up and spontaneously explode.
Gordon Gordon is "not too concerned about the outbreak, because we will probably find a cure eventually". Pope Guadalupe is being held in protective custody, because President Jaquan has already suffered the extreme effects of the plague. Guadalupe says, "I just wish I would have packed some extra cables, so I could have some extra cables". 
We are hopeful for a cure by tomorrow, when Gordon Gordon is said to wake up from his 8 week nap.