Desecrating Control Scheme in Effect During Not-a-War

It's no secret that there is no war going on. Ghumada is currently the poorest country anywhere, according to a list compiled by statistical expert Klarke Jingles which consisted of only Ghumada and no other countries. Dictator Kerver has issued a doctrine which required all currency to be destroyed by means of dirty scalpel. However, Ghumada never had any currency in the first place, therefore making it difficult to destroy the nonexistent currency. It is for this reason that Dictator Kerver imported over 3 trillion cents of miscellaneous currency for the purpose of being destroyed.

Unfortunately, the fire (fueled by several tons of a potent mixture of gasoline and liquid uranium) somehow got out of control (no thanks to the Ghumada fire department that disbanded seven years ago after "the ice cream truck incident"). The fire spread to first spread to Old Bob's house (who still refuses to come out, despite the fact that he is sitting in a pile of smoldering embers) and then spontaneously wiped out the entire city. 

Dictator Kerver celebrating the ceremonial destruction of all currency, actually the whole city 

Old Bob, a proud Ghumadan citizen, refuses to leave his property even after his house has been reduced to a pile of smoldering embers. He will likely die of cancer in the next 6 hours due to the dangerous radiation levels.

Luckily, a motorcyclist was there to save the day (kind of). He showed up about 7 hours after the fires started, but he brought a few buckets. Unfortunately, there wasn't any nearby water supplies so he couldn't use the buckets. He tried to escape but he ran over some rusty nails and the tires on his motorcycle were destroyed, leaving him helpless in the middle of the road. He is probably still there.

Small Jim, while going for his morning walk, noticed something very strange. He is not very observant, so he didn't notice that the entire city was burned down. He wanted to buy a snack from the strange man on the corner, but he noticed that he wasn't in his usual spot. Small Jim's favorite snack was the orange liquid that you eat with a needle. Disappointed, Small Jim took a speedy stroll down to the lake (about a 3 day walk) so he could look for some mushrooms. However, he remembered when he got there that the mushrooms didn't grow by the lake, they grow by the river. So, he spent another week walking speedily to the river, where he found one tiny mushroom.  

Dictator Kerver Makes Food Illegal

It's no secret that the new Dictator defies all logic and nature. Apparently his policies also follow the same guidelines that his existence seems to have come from. Kerver has issued a law that makes all food illegal. Instead, he requires all citizens (and also Old Jim, who refused his right to citizenship 36 years ago) to consume some strange crispy leaves as sustenance.  Gordon Gordon has been too busy cooking up some mind altering "medication" to investigate the nutritional value of the leaves. However, our nutritional "expert", Kurt Bustins, who actually just eats food all day and calls himself an expert, has decided after extensive testing, which consisted of sampling a small amount of the new dietary abominations, that the strange leaves "taste like shit". And we have no doubt that our expert is qualified to make this claim.

Some sort of strange plant that Kerver is making everyone eat

It is believed that Dictator Kerver came to this decision after many seconds of deep consideration, actually about 3. Unfortunately, we could not arrange an interview with the Dictator, as he has a very busy schedule consisting of arranging organic mushrooms in his shower. We also tried spying on the Dictator for several minutes, but his high tech security consisting of 3 and a half gerbils with plastic forks taped to their backs stopped us right in our tracks.

Footage of the security camera in the lobby of Dictator Kerver's bathroom; experts still can't agree as to what exactly is happening.

Many concerned workers at the pork grind factory are protesting in opposition to this new policy. They were easily dealt with though,as the guards at the government building are armed with highly lethal injections of watermelon. This was very effective because now that food is illegal, the protesters were breaking the law by being attacked, being forced to disperse immediately.

Hundreds of workers at the Pork Grind factory protesting against the new food policy.

Now that the Pork Grind factory is forced to close, millions of families will be forced to turn to government welfare in order to provide for their families. However, Ghumada does not have welfare program due to there being no taxes. Government officials once tried to create a tax system, but it didn't work very well due to the fact that Ghumada has no official currency system. Citizens such as Old Bob are concerned for their general well being, stating that "I ain't not gonna not be not because not! am not!". We weren't really sure what that meant, but it's probably relevant somehow.

In other news, an anonymous individual named Glues N. Dark recently returned from his 3 hour expedition to the Ghumada wilderness. He has reported a sighting of Big Bob (who hasn't been seen since he escaped from his restraints and fled into the river) living with the native tribes of the deep wilderness. Actually, he was spotted leading the tribe and being worshipped as some sort of disturbing god figure.

Some sort of tribal voodoo ritual. Big Bob is seen leading it, still attached to the bush he was restrained to several months earlier.

Citizens Neutralized, Dictator Kerver Takes Power

It turns out that Carver Kerver's plans were very different from what we originally thought they were. He has been waiting patiently in the woods for a very long time for the perfect opportunity to take power.

Gordon Gordon finally perfected a device that will allow Dictator Kerver to speak real English, and it turns out that Kerver is actually a genius in most subjects (except for palm trees and soap making).

Kerver used the current Klop Froth outbreak to his advantage by offering a free vaccine to any citizens of Ghumada (and also Big Bob, who surprisingly did not show up). However, what the citizens didn't know was that there was no outbreak, he made it all up! Furthermore, the vaccine wasn't a vaccine, it was a special blend of chemicals created by Gordon Gordon. It was believed to contain several common substances such as nitrous oxide, diacetylmorphine, methylenedioxymethamphetamine, and candle wax. Citizens are now required to inject this special blend twice a day, and they don't seem to mind too much. This has caused the riots to settle down at least 100%, except for Crunchy Ken, who was exiled to the Land of Misery to dig drainage pipes for the rest of eternity. The Land of Misery now contains a total of 4,000,000 drainage pipes, although that is just an estimate because no one really wants to count drainage pipes in the Land of Misery.

Pope Frosty Antelope Supreme Dong VIIIIIIIVIIIIIIIXX will remain a religious consultant for now, although he has no influence when it comes to political decisions anymore.

Dictator Kerver's revised higharchy chart 

There is still no sign of President Jaquan.

6 Slices Disturbing Scandal Revealed!

We all know of the strange presidential candidate 6 Slices who appears to be some kind of mushroom alien, but today we find out that there is much more to this potato chip man gone wrong than we originally thought! Frig Pops, while "investigating" some suspicious rumors involving some coconuts and a large butter knife, happened to stumble upon an illegal mound of yolks right in the middle of the street. Frig Pops, wanting to do the right thing, immediately took out his yolk-scraper and began to clean the mess. Upon doing so, 6 Slices fell right out of the sky and began to do a strange dance right in front of Frig Pops! But that's not even the end of it, after the strange dance was over, 6 Slices took out a large wooden fork and began to scoop yolk right out of Frig Pop's mouth!

As you can see, 6 Slices is a disgrace to this world! In addition to this unbelievable act of embezzlement, lead tech advisor Paul managed to hack into 6 Slice's computer and uncover these disturbing emails!

It is clear that we cannot have this abomination as the president of our (kind of) great country!We must destroy 6 Slices and his family of 3 loaves of bread for good! Bring your toasters and other assorted bread torture devices and display your toasters! Also don't forget to read 6 Slices' candidate profile. And well you're there, you can read about the other candidates right on the same page so you can decide who you're going t vote for instead of 6 Slices!

In other news, Carver Kerver has chosen Gordon Gordon as his official vice president. Gordon Gordon has been conducting some secret "tests" on Carver Kerver. We are learning a lot more about the mysterious deer man. Hen was apparently the offspring of a secret government project that involved cross breeding between different species. Gordon Gordon has also apparently created a device that allows Carver Kerver to communicate through regular human speech. However, he can't figure out how to get the device to stop translating into Russian, so we still have no idea what he's saying.

Citizens Protest Over Government, Demand Election for New President

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The citizens are at it again. They have finally discovered how to form half a thought, and they finally realized how terrible their government is. The government is so bad that it's actually illegal. What kind of government makes itself illegal? And if that wasn't enough proof just look at the official government headquarters:

It's for none of these reasons that the citizens of Ghumada have decided to unite towards a common goal of reforming their government. Actually, they just want to make Crunchy Ken their new president, as he promised them free salad buffets every Thursday. No one in Ghumada has ever eaten salad, but they thought it sounded kind of cool so they went with it.

The protests have been going on for a total of 4-5 hours, with 30 minute breaks every 10 minutes. The protesting consists of every citizen trying to start a different chant, so there isn't really a main message to be taken away from all the chaos. Also, Special Tim decided to show up wearing his grapefruit costume.

President Jaquan, the current president of Ghumada, is reportedly still on his annual 11 month vacation in the Land of Lard so he hasn't heard the news yet, but his trusted assistant Political Paul agreed to sit down with us for like 5 minutes. Here is what he had to say:
"If this is about the time I got my head stuck in a watermelon for 6 weeks I don't have anything to say."

Pope Guadalupe, who has recently had his name changed to Frosty Antelope Supreme Junior, claims he has nothing to worry about because he has full immunity as leader of the second branch due to article 355B of the Ghumada Constitution. There are some doubts about this though, as the constitution was destroyed when Gladiator Jim accidentally used it as a mask in the War of 3:55 PM yesterday.

Gladiator Jim

The presidential erections (correction- elections) will reportedly last for approximately 6 months in order to ensure fair results. Anyone is eligible to run as long as they are alive. This may be an issue for Gary the Ghost as he is not alive.

Gary the Ghost

Gladiator Jim has claimed that he wants to run but he probably won't win because he destroyed the constitution. He claims that if elected, he will ensure all citizens have a fair right to collect arms. This will be his primary concern when drafting the new constitution.

Make sure you cast your vote for the primary elections. There will be several phases of election including the primary, secondary, first-ary, and finals. Different candidates will have to make it through one of the primary elections before moving on to the final elections. Candidate information will be published as elections occur.

Exclusive Interview With O'Glascoe P'Dascoe!

We are very excited to announce that we conducted a special interview with O'Glascoe P'Dascoe! This is the first known public interview with the well known literature expert. Unfortunately, O'Glascoe P'Dascoe failed to show up so there was no interview. Instead, we decided to interview this very educated walnut looking thing.

We quickly discovered that this strange cat was not who it claimed to be as it began attacking several members of our crew. We quickly pulled the emergency self destruct switch in a desperate attempt to save humanity. Unfortunately, there was a recall on this model of self destruct switch by Gordon Gordon Inc, and the switch did not work. After several minutes of widespread panic, we discovered that the strange creature had disappeared. Our strange walnut-looking creature expert Parson Jopkins is currently looking into this bizarre case more closely.

Meanwhile, a local trouble-maker known in the streets by the name "Scuff" walked in to our headquarters (which is pretty much just a little shack on the side of the road) thinking that it was a turtle salon. Surprisingly, this was not the first time this has happened so we kindly directed Scuff to the turtle salon across the street. What we didn't know was that this was actually a very offensive threat in hooligan-slang (2nd official language in Ghumada [Even though there is no official language in Ghumada]) So, Scuff returned exactly 45 seconds later* with his delinquent friends Buff, Puff, Enuff, and Johnny looking to make some mischief. They stood there in silence as the entire building stared at them in complete horror. After about 26 minutes** the thugs decided they would just knock over Secretary Janice's cup of rubber nuggets and run out the door. Thankfully, no one was hurt in this terrifying endeavor, although Secretary Janice was pretty shaken up that her rubber nuggets got spilled all over the floor. Ghumada News is providing free psychiatric evaluations for all the victims of this terrible act of violence, which is being called the "most terrifying act of cruelty since Mike shook up all the napkin holders last Thurday" by several different witnesses***.

Real picture of Scuff.  The rest of his gang looks exactly like him, except Johnny, he looks more like a retarded helicopter walrus mixed with a moldy fence post.

Also in the news, local inventor and apprentice of Gordon Gordon, Orkle Albana, has announced that he is going to be holding a large vacuum cleaner auction in the Topiary Dairy Memorial Garden this Sunday from 2:30 am to 2:32 am. In other news, Topiary Dairy is asked to take several weeks off of his job as lead police officer after questioning the reasoning behind the naming of the "Topiary Dairy Memorial Gardens", as he is clearly not dead or in need of memorial. Psychiatric evaluist Trisa Tranquil has suggested that Topiary Dairy is going through a severe grieving process due to his recent death, as can be expected for someone in his position.

Topiary Dairy in action on a typical busy workday. 

*This statistic provided by official time-keeper Bigol Tick, who times everything that happens and writes it all down on a piece of old paper plate

**This statistic is a very rough estimate, as Bigol Tick was taking a break to fix a leak in the floor

***Actually no witnesses

Startling Statistics Involving Computer Genetics

According to recent studies conducted by Ghumadian statistical expert Professor Klarke Jingles, the average lifespan of Ghumadian citizens is approximately 32 years. This study was based off of a 15 minute study consisting of one participant.

Lead scientist Gordon Gordon has agreed to share a copy of the report with us:

It is clear from these frightening records that Big Burt is a very average Ghumadan citizen. According to his health records, which were provided by an anonymous nurse working at the Ghumada National Hospital, Big Burt was extremely obese, at a weight of 455 pounds, and diagnosed with type 4.5 diabetes.  He has been staying in the hospital for about 4 years due to his “illness” (actually, he just liked the free food because Ghumada law states that all hospital care is free no matter how long the stay)

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BREAKING NEWS:

Gordhongian President Dr. Martinez has been spotted placing strategic steamy asparagus all over downtown Ghumada! Found at Jimmy Billy’s Big Bass Nail Clipping Salon, eyewitness ‘Large Burt’ is quoted as saying “Good Guatemalan Guacamole Guatemalan Guatemala..” We don’t really think that what Large Burt said is relevant in any way, but what is important is that Large Burt is alive, but Big Burt is dead. Also, Dr. Martinez, who isn’t actually a doctor, has reportedly fled to a nearby sip club to sample some exotic juices and bodily fluids. Dr. Martinez is believed to be planning an all out attack on Ghumada, but he lacks all resources and funds to take action any time soon.

Dr. Martinez caught placing suspicous asparagus throughout dowtown Ghumada.

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We had a feeling that there was more to this story, so we decided to question Big Bob, Big Burt’s cousin and brother.

Luckily, despite being a mere 898 years old, Big Bob was able to bring some clarity to the situation:

“HURHGAGHAGHGAGHGAGJK HUNJF”

But we still felt there was some missing information regarding the death of 32 year old Big Burt, and it appeared as if Big Bob was still a little surprised to hear of his family member’s death, so we left him alone to collect his thoughts for about 3 minutes. Then we strapped him to a small bush so he could not possibly escape. However, after an insignificant struggle, Big Bob fled into the river and was not seen again.

Lead Ghumadian health advisor. . . well, it appears there is no health advisor. . .

Lead Ghumadian Statistical expert estimates that approximately 100% of the population in Ghumada is overly obese, according to his poll conducted the same night the lifespan survey was conducted. This statistic is likely due to the unhealthy diet consisting of pork grinds. It is believed that if other foods, such as Bark Beans, were made legal, then the obesity problem would be solved. However, President Jaquan’s wife, Patricia Marmon, stands strong in her belief to support the pork grind farmers by banning all other foods.

Authentic can of Pork Grinds.

The health crisis in Ghumada is a serious issue that needs to be addressed. However, it probably won’t because Pope Guadalupe is too busy gluing together his newly revised manuscript, entitled, “Ancient Guadalupe: Ghuddism Anecdotes”.