Lead Science Department Destroyed in Freak Accident

            Late last week, lead scientist Gordon Gordon, while experimenting with unravelling the mysteries of Automatic Cantaloupes, was involved in a serious accident involving extremely dangerous flip-switches. We do not have many details at this time, and we do not plan to receive any more. The only thing that remains of the smoldering site of the accident was a single piece of paper, buried among the ruins of what was once the ECEGSLOGTGGUTCSE, The Experimental-Complex-Expensive-Great-Science-Lab of Ghumada That Gordon Gordon Uses to Conduct Science Experiments. Gordon Gordon is now believed to be in intensive care under Dr. Hiffle Jhee in the National Hospital of Ghumada (which received 2.29.3 stars out of 5 in its last inspection).

The paper uncovered from the ruins was believed to be written by Orkle Albana, Gordon Gordon’s un-trusted lab assistant of 23 years. He describes in startling detail the unlawful experiments being conducted in the lab. But of course, Ghumada doesn’t have any laws so the experiments were not actually unlawful. The last entry was dated August 46, 200014*.

August 46, 200014

Good hell it’s getting steamy in here I believe it’s time for the experiment’s results to process. GG has been working on this one for so long and I think he will be excited that it is time. (Loud crash) oh no I think one of them has escaped (scuffling noises) oh hell the damn thing is loose ahhhhhh. Just kidding I was just practicing my screenplay novel that didn’t actually happen hahahahahaha. But the Varmins are getting pretty restless so I’ll go give them their daily allowances of seven slices.

We still have yet to fully analyze this literature, as our lead analyzer, O’glascoe P’dascoe, is currently conducting a voodoo ceremony for the National Ghumada Elementary for Juveniles. So for now, we can only assume that Gordon Gordon has gone too far into the secrets of Pork-Grinds. 

Picture of the remains of Gordon Gordon's Lab

President Jaquan Assassinated!

With all the consequences of war going on between Ghumada and Ghordongo right now, President Jaquan III has been murdered!

It was late in the afternoon at 11:59 AM; Jaquan was lounging in his office with a desk protector on the floor. He suddenly realized that there was a dark predator watching him from his window. This was odd, because Jaquan's office is on the 83rd floor of an 80 story building, so there shouldn't be any devious predators lurking around causing mischief.

Jaquan leapt to his feet, as he realized that his secretary, Ma-Hi-Hi 1254.55 was standing outside his door. However, the person standing outside his door wasn't his secretary, it was Fork Bord-Lord-Gord, a secret spy from Ghordongo. Fork was clearly in pain, which was evident by the knife sticking out from his 3rd arm. It wasn't long before Fork Bord-Gord-Lord was dead.

Jaquan then decided that it would be a good idea to take a nap on his orange chair that he had just built while Fork Lord-Bord-Gord was uttering his last words and bleeding on Jaquan's carpet.

After a long nap, Jaquan suddenly died. Ghumada's Chief Police Officer Topiary Dairy is currently investigating the strange murder, but there isn't a lot of evidence to go by. The only witness to the strange sequence of events was President Jaquan, but he's not saying much.

Interesting Happening of Gandhi's Step-Son!

It looks as if Gandhi has a new son! We don't know the father, but it' me! I am the father! I have an affair with Gandhi! Gandhi! Gandhi! Gandhi! Gandhi!

I don't really know who this is. . . 

It appears as if Gordon Gordon has been transferred to the hospital.

Just kidding! I am not in a hospital! I was just kidding! Just kidding! Gandhi!Gandhi! Gandhi! Gandhi!

By this way! Gandhi doesn't have any children! The title of this article has nothing to do with anything ever! Gandhi!

New! Gordon Gordon Invents Automatic Gladiator!

Hello! It is I, Gordon Gordon! i have invented! something new! I call it the Automatic Gladiator! or just Automatic Gladiator for short! What is does is it lets you just use it! Then you can have a personal warrior! This will be like a new Meat-bot! They can be Ghumada's Army warriors!

Ghordongo Strikes Back!

Dr. Martinez is at it again! Ghordongo is assembling their Wardongo Clongs, for an invasion of Gandhistan. They must've gotten wind of the affair between Gandhi and Gordon Gordon. We've also managed to intercept a top secret coded message sent to Dr. Martinez-- after our top scientists cracked the code, it read: "With potato human cling seperate dog table Barack Obama". Clearly this means someone did something that caused something important. With this new information we will easily be able to defeat the Wardongo Clong fleet, however we will have to increase coal production as we are mobilizing the meat-bots.

Agent Wizaro has managed to take a picture of a Wardongo Clong preparing to join the Ghordongo navy:

 Note: Operation Floodgates is proceeding as planned

Frivolous Plague Hits Ghumada

Today the beginning of a new era has begun. A great plague has stricken the country. One will notice the many hoards of inhabitants that have gone missing from society. This is due to the horrible effects of the Klop-Froth G plague, developed by our very own scientist. Gordon Gordon.

Close up of the Klop-Froth G bacteria

It all started one night when Gordon Gordon was on his way back home from his laboratory. It was then that he realized that he forgot his car, so he immediately turned around and walked back to the parking lot.

When he got back to his laboratory, it was already 6:00. So, realizing it would be dark in about 4 hours, he did the most logical thing by staying the night in his laboratory.

In the lab, Gordon Gordon couldn't help but play around with a few specimens from his collection. he started playing with the black plague, and realized it would be pretty cool if he combined it with SmallPox™. And so, Klop-Froth G was created.


Now, over 73.000000099% of the country has been infected with the Klop-Froth G plague. Infected victims will first notice an extreme swelling of the throat and left arm. Then, their eyes will fall out like a light bulb that's not screwed in (they will shatter when they hit the ground). The final stage of Klop-Froth G includes a state of insecurity and extreme pain in several spots of the body. After this stage, it is already too late and the victim will swell up and spontaneously explode.
Gordon Gordon is "not too concerned about the outbreak, because we will probably find a cure eventually". Pope Guadalupe is being held in protective custody, because President Jaquan has already suffered the extreme effects of the plague. Guadalupe says, "I just wish I would have packed some extra cables, so I could have some extra cables". 
We are hopeful for a cure by tomorrow, when Gordon Gordon is said to wake up from his 8 week nap.

Happy Birthday President Jaquan III

It feels like just last week that I was birthing Ghumada's current president, Jaquan Jamillionson III from his mother, J'Dinkalage Morgoone. Well, it was, in fact, 732 years ago to the day that Ghumada's noble (not as noble as the Pope) leader was brought into this world.

Only known portrait of J'Dinkalage Morgoone

 This is why I, Pope Guadalupe IV, am declaring a National Day of Ignorance for the Presidents cancer. Yes, you heard right, President Jaquan has a cancerous growth in his pancreas. So, ignore the cancer that you wouldn't have known about if I didn't tell you and wish the president a nice birthday.

Also, Jaquan will be celebrating his birthday for a whole month, because that is how long it took his mother to give birth to him. Trust me, you don't want to know about that experience.

President Jaquan III